The Croaking Fascist and the Armband Variations (1993) | Feature | Chicago Reader

The Croaking Fascist and the Armband Variations (1993) 

Rothschild walks onstage with a newspaper, whistling. He sits at a table and begins to read the paper He picks up a napkin, then realizes the cloth is actually a black armband with a yellow Star of David on it. He tries to tuck it under his chin like a napkin, then stops and looks at it.

Rothschild: Adolf!

(Hitler enters and stops halfway to the table. He is dressed as a butler.)

Come here, please.

(Hitler walks toward him.)

This is not a napkin.

Hitler: I know.

Rothschild: You seem to be lobbying for the adoption of a new linen pattern in the house. What is this design? A Turkish daisy?

Hitler: It's the Star of David.

Rothschild: David who?

Hitler: It's the symbol of the Jews.

Rothschild: I see. And how has it found its way among our textiles?

Hitler: I put it there so that everyone would know that you're a Jew.

Rothschild: I'm not a Jew!

Hitler: Yes y---

Rothschild: Oh, wait. Yes I am. Well Adolf, that's very thoughtful of you.

Hitler: Th-thank you, sir.

Rothschild: But I think I prefer one of the usual napkins. And some silverware. Also a cup with coffee in it and a plate with a delicious breakfast on top of it.

Hitler: Yes sir.

(Hitler exits.)

Rothschild: Don't forget Madame's champagne! (He reads the paper.) Hm. What's this? "Hitler Assumes Post Today: Adolf Hitler, elected Chancellor, blah blah blah...assumes his post officially today at exactly twelve noon..." Ah, so that's what this is all about. (He calls out.) You're not Chancellor yet, you little shithead!

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): photo/Phil Cantor.

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