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After watching a few episodes of Mind of the Married Man on HBO, I thought I would go out and try to get a massage with a "happy ending." I looked through the yellow pages and classified ads and found a massage "spa" in a neighboring town. Heart full of hope, I went to the spa, and found it to be encouragingly low budget and almost dingy--but clean. The Asian woman who greeted me (and who was the only worker in the place) asked if I would like a shower and massage. I was sure I had found the right place. Sadly, I was mistaken. The shower consisted of me showering myself. The massage, though it was very relaxing and soothing, ended more like a shoe shine. I went back the next week, in case she was worried that I was a cop or something, and got the same nice massage with no happy ending.

My question is this: Should I ask for a "happy ending" to my massage? If so, should it be at the end or before things start? Also, are there subtle ways to tell which "parlors" may have masseurs that conclude the massage with a hand job? I was operating under the assumption that "therapeutic" and "AMT certified" were words to avoid in this quest.

--Seeking the Right Oriental Kind Exotic Massage Expert

In addition to avoiding places that use "therapeutic" and "AMT certified" in their ads, you should also avoid massage therapists who describe themselves as LMPs (licensed massage practitioners) and "spas" that use tasteful line drawings of trees or streams in their ads. What you should be looking for are images of sleazy-looking women with big hair--think Nagel.

But if you want a hand job from the nice lady, STROKEME (well done!), you're gonna have to ask her. Here's the code: After you arrive, and after the woman gets a feel for whether or not you're a cop, ask her this simple question: "Do you offer erotic massage with release?" Yes, it sounds creepy. That's because "happy endings" are creepy; in your situation, the creep factor can't be avoided.

What's the accepted norm surrounding ejaculation during blow jobs? Should a guy just let it go while the giver has his penis in her mouth, or should the guy inform the giver of the impending explosion? I'm talking about first-time encounters here; obviously as a relationship develops partners can talk more openly about these matters. But I feel stupid asking a girl during our first encounter whether she'd like a mouthful of cum.

--Wondering What to Do With My Spunk

By the time a girl has her mouth wrapped around your cock, WWTDWMS, you've hopefully established something of a rapport. It may not be a full-fledged relationship, but we can infer from the fact that she's taken your penis into her mouth that you and the young lady are on speaking terms. If you don't feel like you know the girl who's sucking your cock well enough to mumble a few words of warning prior to coming, well, then perhaps the blow job was premature.

So what do you say when she's blowing you and you're getting close? When you're reaching the point of no return, simply say, "Oh, baby, if you keep doing that, whoa, I'm gonna come..." If she redoubles her efforts, that's a sign that she wants you to come in her mouth. But you're not off the hook yet: when you're past the point of no return--when you're actually beginning to come--say, "Oh, baby, I'm coming..." Then it's her call. In her mouth, on her face, in her hand, over her shoulder, right back at you--she's got ahold of your cock, and once you're coming she can point it and shoot it wherever she likes.

What do you do have been going out with a girl for more than a year...but she hasn't had sex yet...and neither have you...we talk about know...and she says that she wants to wait...she has given me oral sex and i have also given her oral...but that's as far as she wants to know...she says she loves me dearly...and i also love her...she wants to save it for marriage...but sometimes i think i can't wait...i just want to give it to her...what should I do...

--gotta have it...

I dunno...maybe you should...propose...if you want it that badly...or you could look at it this way...there are lots of know...your age...who never get blow you're doing pretty good...and if you love her... well...maybe you should respect her decision to long as she keeps those blow jobs coming...and who knows...since she knows you're anxious to give it to her...maybe she'll change her mind...if you're not too pushy...

I have been reading your column for a couple of years and have never felt compelled to respond to a letter sent by another reader until now. Chilled in Chicago's surprise about finding a condom wrapper in her home after she cut her husband off for several months is astonishing. In fact, it is generally mind-boggling that spouses (both men and women) all over the world treat their mates like garbage, cut them off from sex, and then act surprised when they find themselves alone.

In CIC's case it probably isn't just sex that's missing; I would venture a guess that her relationship is devoid of any intimacy, and that her husband is absolutely desperate for attention. He has been replacing sex with cyberporn for several months and CIC hasn't noticed it. That means he has been cleaning his chair, his computer memory, and his Internet history. This is not a man who leaves condom wrappers lying around by accident. CIC found that wrapper because hubby wanted her to. He wants a fight so that she can finally tell him what the hell is going on. He wants to know why he isn't getting sex, and how to fix it. So CIC needs to cut the crap and explain to him in clear and simple language what will make her a happy, horny spouse again. If she can't do that then she needs to turn a blind eye or cut him loose. Celibacy is not one of the marriage vows.

--Seeing the Other Perspective

Thanks for sharing, STOP, and I would only add this: If CIC wants to stay married but won't tell her husband what he needs to do to make her horny again, then CIC is going to have to turn a blind eye to a lot more than masturbation. If you cut off a spouse you want to stay married to (for the kids, for appearances, for whatever), then you better be willing to turn a blind eye to your spouse actually having sex with other people. Whether it be massage-parlor hand jobs or carrying on full-blown affairs with other people's sad, neglected spouses, married people who've been cut off at home have every right to seek it out elsewhere.


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