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I'm a 30-year-old straight male. I am successful and reasonably good-looking. Anyway, here's the deal: There is a woman about my age that I find mentally stimulating, but only moderately physically attractive. I've found through experience that single, independent women who've made it to their 30s alone are the types of women I respect and enjoy talking to and spending time with. But--and here's the shitty part--I'm not sure I want to be with a woman who's, um, less than stunning.

I'm an asshole, I suppose, but there it is. I have to make a choice between dating 24-year-old women who are physically appealing but often emotionally or intellectually immature and women my own age who I find appealing mentally but not attractive on the meat-o-meter. So what do I do? Satisfy my meat needs? Or satisfy my mind-o-meter? I wish there wasn't a conflict between meat and mind, but there is. What do I do?

--Hominid Frustrated With His Hindbrain

If this column were written by an older woman, like most advice columns, your letter would inspire a tirade: "You can think with your cock and marry some empty-headed 24-year-old bimbo who rates high on your meat-o-meter, pal, but one day that 24-year-old looker is gonna be just another 44-year-old woman ravaged by gravity and deeply bitter about it. Over the long haul, a married couple spends a lot more time talking than they do fucking, so I'd advise you to marry someone who rates a bit higher on your mind-o-meter."

That's what the ol' ladies would tell you, HFWHH, but lucky for you this column is written by me, a dumb fag, and not an ol' lady. Fags are men, and men are pigs, and here's some thoroughly piggish advice that might actually be of some use: While everyone does get older--time and gravity spare no one--that's no reason to forgo 15 or 20 years of sex with a woman who sets off your meat-o-meter. Those 30-year-old women you admire for their brains and independence were once relatively empty-headed 24-year-olds. So keep dating 24-year-olds until you meet a woman you believe will mature into one of those smart, older women you admire so much.

Of couse, there's always the chance that you'll fuck it up and accidentally marry a 24-year-old who matures into a vapid, annoying 44-year-old. If that happens, well, you can divorce her and start dating 24-year-olds again until you find one who you hope will mature into a smart, older woman. If she doesn't, well, repeat as necessary.

I'm writing to you on behalf of all the gals out there with sensitive tits. Here it is, boys: my breasts are sensitive! This goes for the nipples, the areolas, and the regular white meat. It does not feel good when you smush them around like you're kneading bread dough. Please, a little courtesy with the twins. While I'm sure there's a great many women out there who love nothing more than to have their boobs squished like those stress-relief balls at the science store in the mall--and more power to them--there are just as many of us out there who don't. So be gentle until we tell you otherwise!

--Touchy Tits

Let's hope you're not so friggin' stoopid, TT, as to lay there and take it while some boy roughly kneads your tits. And let's also hope you're not so friggin' stoopid as to expect all the men you're ever going to sleep with to see this week's column. Look, if you want your breasts handled in a certain way you're going to have to assert yourself. While I'm happy to print your letter, you shouldn't expect seeing it in print to resolve your sore-tit issues. In other words, you're going to have to tell the boys you sleep with just how you like to have your breasts manipulated. If a boy continues to be rough with your tits after you've told him to knock it off, you're going to have to pull your tits out of his hands and walk out of the room.

Probably my favorite sex act is to be fucked by a woman wearing a strap-on. Every other sex act under the sun, from blow jobs to facials to scat, has a catchy name, but not a man getting fucked in the ass by a woman wearing a strap-on. Could you come up with a name for this activity, if only for the sake of those of us who place ads in the personals?

--Straight Boys Have Prostates Too

I was unable to come up with a single word that adequately captured the patriarchy-shattering nuances of a woman fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on. Hopefully someone out there reading this--anyone know where Rich "Sniglets" Hall is these days?--can help you, SBHPT.

Please pass this note along to Can't Rape the Wife, the guy whose wife has "sick" rape fantasies. Like this man's wife, I too have rape fantasies. I am also a rape survivor. I did not like being actually raped, and do not want to be raped-for-real ever again. However, when I'm with my partner there's nothing better than having him throw me down and fuck me like he wants to break me. You mentioned for CRTW's sake that he take it slow, and that's good advice for CRTW's wife, too. Also suggest that he and his wife decide on a very nonsexy code word for "no" or "stop," since she may find pleasure in begging him to stop, and it is important they still be able communicate. You suggested this once, Dan, and I have gotten great pleasure from it. Words that do not rhyme with "no," "stop," "fuck," "cunt," "cock," "bitch," or other nasties make the best safe words. Thanks to you, Mr. Savage, I smirk, blush, and think of my beloved whenever I hear the words "table" or "orange."

--Smiling in San Francisco

Thanks for sharing, SISF.

Your advice to Can't Rape the Wife was fucked-up. I could never facilitate a lover's rape fantasy, because two of my past girlfriends were raped. Maybe you should take a step back and realize that while sex can be an integral and fantastic part of a relationship, total fantasy fulfillment is not necessary for two people to grow old and happy together. I totally enjoy rough, sweaty, raw sex. However, I draw the line at "raping" my girlfriend.

--Can't Condone Violent Fantasies

People who have rape fantasies aren't sitting around waiting for you to condone them, CCVF, before they find a willing partner who wants to help them out. While total fantasy fulfillment isn't always possible or ethical--a man who fantasizes about fucking children should never realize his fantasy--never being allowed to fulfill an entirely realizable, relatively common fantasy because your partner thinks you're disgusting isn't exactly a recipe for growing old and happy together. You may get old, but the person who's been told her fantasy is disgusting isn't going to be happy.

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