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Savage Love 

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When I am soft, my cock is tiny. Yet when I am hard, it is long and thick. I have asked girlfriends about this and none has ever seen such a change. In your vast experience with male organs, what can you tell me about growth?

--Wee-Willie Winkie/Pink Giant

Putting aside my vast experience with male organs for the moment, I'd like to share an old adage that should be of some comfort to you: Some men are growers, some are showers. You're a grower, and for that you should be grateful. While you may feel inadequate in, say, a locker room full of showers taking showers, guys who neither grow nor show feel inadequate hearing the scores of tiny-dick jokes on Sex and the City. All in all, things could be worse.

As I get older, it seems harder and harder to wipe my ass clean on the first try. Why is my poop suddenly soft serve? Can you ask a doctor if the consistency of feces changes as you age?

--Wiped Out

"Many factors, such as stress level, play a role in the quality and quantity of people's feces," said Dr. Barak Gaster, Savage Love's resident medical expert. What's up with the soft serve? "People shouldn't underestimate the power of the mind-bowel connection," said Dr. Barak. In other words, perhaps your poo is smooshy because you've convinced yourself your poo is smooshy, i.e., you're laboring under a self-fulfilling smooshy-poop prophecy. How can you firm things up? Dr. Barak advises a high fiber diet and to "stop worrying about your stool so much."

The other night my boyfriend said, "I've accepted the fact that you don't like giving head." I never said I didn't like giving head. Is this his way of telling me I'm awful at it? I can't fit more than two inches in my mouth without puking. I can't even brush my tongue in the morning without feeling like I'm going to throw up. Jamming a big cock down my throat is about as appealing as driving into an oncoming vehicle. No thanks! Currently, my method is to suck on the end of his penis while stroking the rest of it. But I want my boyfriend to associate my face with his orgasms!

--Gagging in Vancouver

Golly, I don't know where your boyfriend got the impression you don't like giving head. Perhaps it was the gagging and retching and puking? Or, hey, maybe it was the cocksucking/head-on-collision comparison. Regardless, that hair-trigger gag reflex makes it unlikely that you will ever be very good at giving head. While your boyfriend may derive some limited pleasure from your hesitant, I-may-puke knob polishing, it sounds as if he's reconciled himself to your oral shortcomings. I would encourage you to do the same. If you want him to associate your face with his orgasms, ask a friend to suck him off while he stares deeply into your eyes.

I've noticed that many of your recent columns have been dedicated to a series of reader responses, and your responses to those responses. Sometimes a column appears with responses to responses to responses. What gives? When did you turn into Ann Landers? Have you been corrupted by E-mail? Or are you just lazy?

--Romie

My old rule of thumb was this: If a column generated a lot of responses, I ran a follow-up. Responses were a gauge of my readers' interest in a particular subject, and running responses demonstrated that my opinions weren't necessarily the last word, and that different people--even people without their own advice columns--sometimes had better advice than I did. But when I started accepting E-mail, responding to my column became so easy that, lordy, I started getting hundreds of responses to almost every column. And I started running more response columns.

But thanks to your letter, Romie, I've seen the error of my ways. Awkwardly enough, however, your E-mail arrived on the same day as three responses that I kinda wanted to run. And I'm going to run them. But, hey, after today I promise to lay off the responses for a while--unless someone responds to your letter, Romie. If someone responds to my response to your letter criticizing my responses to the many responses my readers have sent in--including some responses to readers responding to previous responses--I may not be able to resist. Running those responses would just be too Dave Eggers to pass up.

Body Modification Ezine (www.bmezine. com) has sections on tongue length-ening. You can, as you pointed out, make your tongue appear longer by cutting the frenulum (the connective tissue under the tongue). Snipping the frenulum oneself is not recommended; there are lots of blood vessels in this area and you can wind up in a pretty nasty situation. Some oral surgeons and dentists will do this procedure for a small fee.

--Jess in Virginia

Ever since Jeff Ross (referring to Sandra Bernhard at the Jerry Stiller Friars Club Roast) proclaimed that "I wouldn't fuck her with Bea Arthur's dick," Bea Arthur has become the archetype for sexually undesirable women. This is bullshit, and I was extremely disheartened to see you jump on the bandwagon. I have fond childhood memories of masturbatory fantasies involving Bea Arthur and Adrienne Barbeau in classic mother/ daughter scenarios. So please, Dan, let's remember Bea as the provocative, seductive, titillating Maude and not as an aged Golden Girl.

--Still Gets Off on Maude

I have a few pointers for those people who want to pick up waiters. First, be tactful. "Hello, my name is Bob and I'd like to get to know you," is more likely to get a positive response than "Hey, nice ass!" Second, servers are there to do a job. If I lose a tip because you keep cornering me when others are waiting for drinks, I am hardly likely to go out with you. Third, there's a not-so-fine line between romantic expression and sexual harassment. Uninvited touching of any kind is unacceptable, and I'll have the bouncer toss you right out. Lastly, do not assume that just because your server has been friendly or flirted with you that s/he is at all interested. We're working for tips, after all.

--Selling Alcohol, Not Ass

Confidential to the Wall Street Journal:

In a recent installment of Tony & Tacky (which is always a delight), you slapped the broadcast networks around for the amount of sexual content on television. But as your man George W. Bush once observed, it's hard to claim the low road and take the high horse. Or something like that. Anyway, in recent weeks, the Wall Street Journal has featured stories on the foreskin restoration "movement" (the reporter even took a gander at a "restored" cock) and Brazilian models making big tits fashionable again. And on Valentine's Day readers were treated to tips on picking people up on airplanes. All of these stories ran on your front page! Sex sells, as the saying goes, which is why there's so much of it on TV. Apparently, it even sells the Wall Street Journal.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to letters@savagelove.net.

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