Savage Love | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Savage Love 

Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe

Hey, everybody: I'm on a little vacation, so for the next couple weeks I'll be running some "greatest hits" from the Savage Love archives.

I'm not sexually experienced, but I am totally in love with my new man and I want to drive him wild with desire. I want to blindfold him and tie his hands, maybe even handcuff him. But then what? We are not into pain. I feel so dumb! Besides honey and all that good stuff to lick off him, what else is there? What can I do to drive him crazy? He's excited that I want to tie his hands and blindfold him, so I want to make this good. But this is not going to happen till I get some ideas. --SQ

For some ideas on tying up straight boys--not that I don't have ideas of my own--I shared your letter with Mistress Matisse, who has more experience ropin' straight boys than I do.

"If she wants to do a sexy femme top scene with no pain, I would suggest sensory deprivation combined with a lot of suspense and mind fucks." Once more without S-M jargon: "Get dressed in sexy lingerie or something fetishy. Tie him up, blindfold him, and gag him." Get real restraints if you can afford them. Handcuffs hurt, and badly done rope bondage can result in rope burns, pinched nerves, gangrene, and amputated limbs. Restraints buckle on like belts, won't cut off circulation, and are practically foolproof.

Once he's bound, Mistress Matisse says, if you can't beat him, scare him: "Start talking to him about all the things you could do. My rap goes like this: 'You know, baby, there are a lot of things you don't know about me. It's sooo sexy having you all tied up and helpless--I could do anything I want to you, and you can't stop me.' Say this slow and thoughtful, like you're considering some very evil shit. Then tell him you're going to leave him there alone while you go get some 'things.' Walk to the bedroom door, open it and close it, but don't really leave the room (never actually leave anyone tied up alone). Stand very quietly and watch him. Is he struggling? Is his dick hard? Wait a minute, then quietly approach him and whisper in his ear, 'Are you thinking about me?' But don't get too close--if he jumps you'll bang heads.

"Alternate different sensations on his body, like a feather, your ½ngernails, and your mouth. I don't recommend the honey thing--looks good in movies, not all that exciting in real life." (I agree: licking gooey foods off people is vastly overrated faux-naughtiness--boring breeder kink.) "You can take things a little further on the sensation scale: get a utility candle (white, no fragrance) and try dripping it on different parts of your body until you get a feel for it. Dripping warm wax on his skin and following it with a trail of ice can give quite the endorphin buzz."

You might also consider bringing in a professional consultant. Pro doms don't generally make house calls, but most will host couples in their own spaces. "She would get to see someone experienced in action, someone who could show her a few tricks," says Mistress Matisse. "And she would get to see the attitude, which is the most important thing."

I've become involved with one of the nicest and sexiest people around. So what's the bad news? This person's introduction to sex at a very early age (child abuse) was coupled with violence and degrading talk (thanks to some really fucked-up family members), so you can probably guess what this person wants me to do during our sexual encounters. The only things I'm looking for from a partner are love, affection, and comfort, which I will give in return. I don't want to call my partner anything but cute little pet names--not "bitch" or "motherfucker." I want to hold my partner lovingly in my arms, not beat the living daylights out of him. So what do I do? I have nothing against S-M, I'm just not into it. My partner says that he can enjoy sex with me without the violence and degradation, but I always think I see a look of less than total satisfaction when we ½nish. Does he need counseling? Do I need to enroll in an S-M 101 class? Or should we go our separate ways? --Not Into It

"What this person's lover wants doesn't sound like violence and degradation to me, it sounds like S-M," says Mistress Matisse. "Liking S-M, no matter what kind of childhood one had, does not equal 'needing therapy.' You say this person is willing and capable of having the kind of sex you like--why aren't you willing to give 'the nicest and sexiest person around' equal treatment in the sack? Let go of your judgments around your partners' sexual desires, or let go of him."

I am a single female. I have a special desire which I have never ful½lled due to shyness. I have always wanted to hurt a man sexually. My long-standing fantasy has been to tie up or cuff a man and stick his body, including his penis, with a million stickpins. I want to draw blood. I want to see him scream and beg for mercy. I have always been fearful of expressing this desire, but I want this now. Can you understand the meaning of this? Why must I do this? Have you ever heard of this? --Joan

Have I ever heard of this? I have videos of it; I have friends who make a living doing it. "Properly channeled and marketed, she has a big career in professional dominance ahead of her," says Mistress Matisse. "There are many men who would love to have her do these things to them." As for your speci½c fantasy--sticking someone full of pins--it is not unheard of in S-M, though sterile surgical needles are preferred over stickpins. "Temporary or 'play' piercings are considered an extreme form of S-M by some wusses--I mean people," says Mistress Matisse. "But, like a lot of things, play piercings are scarier (and more painful) in theory than they are in practice."

As for the meaning of your desires--the why--Mistress Matisse has this to say: "She sounds like a sadist. I am a bit of a sadist myself, and some of my friends are sadists. Doing these things will not 'cure' her rage. It's like food or sex--you want more. The thing is to find people who want you to do these things to them, and then learn how to inflict pain skillfully and safely. Sticking 22-gauge hypodermic needles under someone's skin and watching them yelp is fun; accidentally poking an arterial vein and having to call 911 is not." To ½nd a willing victim, try the personal ads, join an S-M club, look around on the Web--there are men out there paying Mistress Matisse cold hard cash to do what you're willing to do for free.

Mistress Matisse will be releasing a video soon and has a dungeon space in Seattle. You can check it out at

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611 or to


Subscribe to this thread:

Add a comment

More by Dan Savage

  • How not to spoil the swingers party

    How not to spoil the swingers party

    Or the threesome. Plus: Phimosis. It's a thing.
    • Nov 13, 2019
  • Listen up, guys

    Listen up, guys

    Advice for would-be allies, ethical affair partners, and successful daters
    • Nov 6, 2019
  • Quick hits

    Quick hits

    Dan Savage advises a dude held back by his small dick, a teacher who wants to moonlight as a sex worker, and more.
    • Oct 30, 2019
  • More »

Agenda Teaser

Performing Arts
Big Fish Greenhouse Theater Center
September 29
Performing Arts
A Man of No Importance The Broadway at Pride Arts Center
October 10

Popular Stories