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Hey, Faggot:

I am a breeder male in my 30s, obese, mediocre endowment. My current relationship started when I met G, an older divorcee, on-line. We met at a get-together for chat-line acquaintances. Two months later we moved in together, and we're still madly in love five years later.

My problem is our sex life. The first month we were having sex three or four times a day--in bed, in the shower, on the living-room floor. We slowed down once the novelty had worn off, but our sex life was still pretty good. Then G went through menopause; now her libido has almost entirely dried up! We're still physically affectionate: we kiss, hug, cuddle, etc. For her, three times a month is plenty. I've been considering asking her permission to seek another sex partner.

Problem is, even if I had her permission, I don't have a lot to offer another woman. If she's looking for a strictly physical relationship, I don't have a hard body or a big cock. If she wants to "date," I don't have much discretionary income. If she's looking for a relationship, I've already got a life partner.

What I would like to find is a woman interested in a long-term "friendship with sex," but I don't know if that's realistic. I will never leave G or go behind her back, but I'm sexually frustrated. Assuming G would be willing for our relationship to be "open," how could I find a lover who would get involved with me under these circumstances?

--Horny Bastard

Hey, HB:

You could find a spare lover in all the usual ways: take out personal ads, hang out in bars, lurk on street corners, lurk on-line. But first you really ought to have a conversation with G about your sexual frustration. Make her aware that you're unhappy before you ask her permission to find someone to see to your sexual needs. Perhaps if she knew, she'd make an effort to have sex with you more often, or she'd get some of those bat-hormone pills or whatever it is postmenopausal women take to keep them horny.

If she doesn't want to take the bat hormones and gives you permission to look elsewhere, your troubles will, naturally, have just begun. You're right: under your circumstances, with your physical, emotional, and financial limitations, it is going to be difficult for you to find a woman interested in "friendship with sex"--extremely difficult. Since the other woman is going to be hard to find, you'll have to invest an awful lot of time looking for her, which could have a negative impact on your relationship with your life partner. Time spent searching for another woman is time you can't spend kissing, hugging, and cuddling G. She may agree to your searching for a piece on the side in theory, but she may not like what that means once you put it into practice.

That said, maybe once you have permission to look elsewhere, you'll be more at peace with your sexual lot in life. Oftentimes knowing that we can seize opportunity when opportunity presents itself--or herself--allows us to take a more Zen approach to cheatin': if it happens, it happens. Considering your circumstances, the Zen approach would be best: looking for something you can't find may drive you just as nuts as not getting what you need at home.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 19-year-old college student in New York. My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. I am the only serious boyfriend she has ever had, and recently she told me that she wants to know what it is like to have sex with other people. We were very frightened about the uncertainty that this might inject into our relationship, and so we came up with a compromise: an "open swinging" relationship. We could have sex with other people, but only together.

I was raised to believe in monogamy and fidelity, but I confess the idea does hold some allure. My question is this: When it comes down to the moment--when she is fucking someone else and I am right there--how do I handle the jealousy? I visualize it now and want to tear my hair out! Will this work? I am so nervous! I'd appreciate any advice you could give me about handling my jealousy and any tips on how to survive my girlfriend's "sowing her wild oats" period.

--Brian

Hey, Brian:

Will this work? No, it won't, not where you're at. If you can't contemplate "open swinging"--or watching some other guy bang your girlfriend--without being driven mad with jealousy, then don't put yourself through it! The messy reality will be harder to take than any of the mental images you've conjured up. Don't do it.

Here's a better plan: break up, go your separate ways for six months or so, then think about getting back together. Or, if you can't be parted and must have three- and/or four-ways, reserve vaginal intercourse for each other and only do fore- and oral play with your guests.

Hey, Faggot:

I'll spare you the details and just lay out the facts--as embarrassing as they are to me. I've been seeing this girl I like, and everything was going quite nicely. Then, after a night out drinking together, we wound up in bed. After a little bit of foreplay, I went down to the holey land and started to eat her out. All was fine and good for about 20 minutes. Then I threw up. Yes, with my mouth on her pussy. She threw me out.

I'm no novice when it comes to cunnilingus, and I've spent many happy hours licking the honey pot. But I had a flu shot that day, and combined with all the drinking, I think it tipped the tongue, if you know what I mean. Problem is, now she won't speak to me. I really like her! She's a nice person! I tried to explain, but she doesn't want to hear about it. Should I accept my loss, or can you think of a way I might be able to bring her around?

--Winnipeg Loser

Hey, WL:

Having spent two days in my bathroom throwing up--I've got a touch of that premillennial/Senate trial of William Jefferson Clinton anxiety that's going around--I can say with some authority that a person about to puke realizes it a few crucial moments before the vomiting commences. Most of us realize it in time to, oh, get off the couch or out of bed, stumble down the hall, and stick our heads in the toilet.

Your former girlfriend has probably thrown up on one or two occasions, and she's aware of the time that yawns between realization ("Hey, I'm gonna puke!") and reality ("Hey, I'm puaaaaarrrrrrrppphhhh!"). If she resents you for anything, it's not for the flu shot or the drinking or even the puking. No, she's angry that you didn't use the time between realization and reality to get out of bed and run to the bathroom. At the very least, you could have turned your head and thrown up on her leg or off the side of her bed. Anywhere but all over her puss.

Accept your loss. You've let her know you're sorry, but considering what happened the last time she let you bury your face in her crotch, her associations with you may be so negative there's simply no way she'll ever overcome them.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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