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Hey, Faggot:

I have a couple of simple questions: Does a man need to come when he orgasms? And can a man orgasm without coming? I'm totally ignorant when it comes to stuff like this.

--Curious

Hey, C:

Ignorant you are and ignorant you shall remain, my friend, for on the day I write these words--November 4--I am simply too preoccupied with grave matters of state to answer questions about sex. Ah! Who can think about sex today! Brad Pitt himself--soon to be featured in a series of Calvin Klein underwear ads, by the way--could stand bare-ass naked in front of me, bend over, grab his ankles, and cough, and I would not so much as glance up from the newspapers spread out on my desk.

Republican U.S. Senator Alfonse D'Amato defeated by Charles Schumer in New York. Democratic U.S. Senator Barbara Boxer reelected in California. Two incumbent Republican governors turned out of office--in the south! Republican Senator Lauch Faircloth defeated by a political novice, Democrat John Edwards, in fuckin' North Carolina! U.S. Senator Russ Feingold reelected in Wisconsin, U.S. Senator Patty Murray reelected in Washington State. Democrats hold their ground in the U.S. Senate, gain five seats in the U.S. House of Representatives, and Republicans are furious at Newt "Big Boy" Gingrich.

Pundits, Web sites, and newspaper columnists are crediting Republican losses to voter disgust over how Republican leaders have handled the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Gee, it looks like all those polls showing that an overwhelming majority of Americans don't want Bill Clinton impeached over a few blow jobs and one grand-jury snow job were right! Apparently most Americans believe the real scandal in Washington isn't commonplace adultery and expensively engineered perjury, but Ken Starr's $40,000,000 invasion of Bill Clinton's privacy. Forgive me for being so nakedly partisan, but watching the election returns last night, I couldn't help but think of Bill Clinton sitting in the White House chompin' on a big cigar. Were I Bill, I would've grabbed an intern, had her write "Fuck Ken Starr" on my big pink ass with a Magic Marker, and fucked her brains out live on C-SPAN.

Luckily for viewers of C-SPAN, I'm not Bill Clinton.

Hey, Faggot:

Your unsavory advice impresses most clear-thinking individuals as that of a pathetic pervert preoccupied with his own self-gratification. You display little regard for the physical or mental well-being of other humans. You are immature and lack integrity. As far as we're concerned, you're nothing but an intensely boorish embarrassment to the entire gay community. --FFF

Hey, FFF:

If sources of embarrassment to the "gay community" were ranked, my column would fall low on any objective list. Liposuction ads in LA's gay newspapers, for instance, are more embarrassing than my column, don't you think? As is our willingness to purchase rainbow-striped anything. Oh, and the rising rate of anal gonorrhea among gay men doesn't show us in the best light, nor do the increasing number of child-custody battles between lesbian moms. And the Human Rights Campaign's endorsement of Alfonse D'Amato seems pretty embarrassing, considering what happened to Al yesterday.

Speaking of gays and lesbians, we didn't do too badly last night. Antigay marriage initiatives passed in Hawaii and Alaska--effectively derailing the push for legal gay marriage--but those defeats were expected. On the upside: Wisconsin voters elected Tammy Baldwin, a lesbian, to the U.S. House of Representatives, making her the first out dyke ever elected to Congress; Bob "Raving Lunatic Homophobe" Dornan was defeated yet again by dickhead-slayer Loretta Sanchez in California; gay incumbents Barney Frank in Massachusetts and Jim Kolbe in Arizona were reelected; and in San Diego, Christine Kehoe came damn close to unseating a Republican incumbent in a U.S. House race. Jesus H. Christ of latter-day saints, a dyke was elected to the state legislature in Utah!

Only one of three lesbians running for congress failed to make a respectable showing--Washington State's Grethe Cammermeyer. Cammermeyer raised tons of money, but according to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer ran an ineffective campaign, squandering Barbra's and Rosie's cash on a bloated campaign staff. Cammermeyer had practically no money left for TV and wound up losing to her Republican opponent, Jack Metcalf, by ten points. Metcalf was considered very vulnerable going into this campaign and is, by all accounts, completely senile. Two years ago Metcalf managed to hold onto his seat by a lousy thousand votes. This race was Cammermeyer's to lose, and on bad advice from too many overpaid staffers, she lost it. Talk about embarrassments!

Hey, Faggot:

My wife and I enjoy sex and have some hot sessions. I can go for a long time in any position except doggie style. In this position, I ejaculate almost immediately. We enjoy this position, and I would like to be able to last longer. Any idea why this happens?

--NYC

Hey, NYC:

Hmm. You come too soon when you do it doggie style. That's weird. Anyway, back to politics. Democrats didn't win every race. In Illinois Carol Moseley-Braun, the first African-American woman elected to the U.S. Senate, lost her bid for a second term. Corrupt and incompetent, Moseley-Braun didn't deserve a second term, and a Dem should've challenged her in the primary. While it's unfortunate Moseley-Braun lost to a right-wing gun-huggin' gay hater, I would've had a hard time pulling a lever for her.

And there was some bad news down south: two sons of former president George Bush defeated Democrats--Jeb Bush will be the next governor of Florida, and George W. Bush was reelected governor of Texas by a landslide. According to CNN's exit polls, if an election were held last night, George W. Bush would have beaten Al Gore in a race for the White House. But that was last night, and frankly, what are the chances that young George W. will be the Republican nominee in 2000?

Slim. Right-wing extremists dominate the Republican nomination process, and they don't much like the governor of Texas: George W. leans toward being pro-choice and doesn't hate gay men and lesbians with the passion the religious right requires from its presidential candidates. It's unlikely George W. would attend an antigay rally, as Bob Dole and every other Republican presidential hopeful did in '96. To appease the Republican right-wingers and secure his party's nomination, George W. Bush would have to personally shoot an abortion doctor, or better yet, go to Wyoming, dig up Matthew Shepard's dead body, and beat an abortion doctor to death with one of Shepard's legs. Not going to happen. Doesn't have it in him. Not part of his vision thing. Republican moderates comforted by Bush's triumph in Texas have to face facts: if young George W. Bush is nominated in 2000 it will be at the Democratic convention. The Republican nominees? Dan Quayle and Gary Bauer.

Don't want to end on a down note, so here's some more good news: Medical Marijuana initiatives passed in four states--thank you, George Soros!--and antichoice initiatives went down to defeat in several others. Oh, and there's this from the New York Times: "Stunned by the Democractic resurgence in the midterm elections, Congressional Republicans tore into one another yesterday over who was to blame." Yippee! Let's smoke some dope, terminate a pregnancy or two--ain't no law agin' it!--and then run home to watch C-SPAN! The next couple of years are gonna be big ol' pink-ass fun!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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