Savage Love | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Savage Love 

Sign up for our newsletters Subscribe

Hey, Faggot:

I am an 18-year-old male, 155 pounds, six feet tall, and with a small penis. Not only is my penis small and skinny, but it has a curve in it. I feel like such a reject, and it makes me depressed! I can't be in a relationship because my penis is too small, and so I am still a virgin. I have thought about buying a penis-enlarging pump, but I heard over the Internet that they are not safe. Would you happen to know of any way I can get a bigger penis? Surgical options? I need to get a big dick so that I can move on with my life. What should I do? Please help! --Depressed Little Virgin Dick

Hey, DLVD:

It's not that penis pumps aren't safe. No, the problem with pumps is that they don't really make your penis bigger. What pumps do is give your penis a great big hickey. A hickey is a bruise, and where there are bruises, there is swelling. Stuffing your crooked little dick in a penis pump, despite what pump pushers may claim in porno-mag advertisements, won't make your penis permanently bigger, just temporarily bruised and swollen--and you won't be able to get your swollen penis fully hard either. An hour in a pump and you'll have a swollen, half-soft, crooked penis. Not much of an improvement.

Your surgical options are pretty limited. Provided you live in a state where the procedure is not illegal, you could have your suspensory ligament snipped (the ligament that anchors your penis to your pelvic bone). An inch of your penile root will drop, giving you the appearance of a slightly larger penis. But when erect, your penis will flop around like a dislocated arm. Another option: you can have fat sucked from one part of your body--say, from between your ears--and injected into the shaft of your penis. But it looks awful, doesn't make the head of your cock any bigger, and can result in a buildup of scar tissue that could make it impossible for you to have an erection ever again.

Sorry to say, DLVD, besides accepting that you have a little dick and finding yourself a girlfriend who prefers little dicks, or a girl who doesn't care one way or the other, you have no other options at this point in time.

I say "at this point in time" because there's big news coming out of the medical community about transplanting things that docs didn't think could ever be transplanted. For instance, there's been a lot of talk lately about transplanting human hands. If hand transplants prove successful, doctors speculate they may be able to transplant other body parts as well--including human faces, according to one news report. Well, if hands and faces can be transplanted, why not cocks? Oh, there are some ethical issues to wrestle with--there always are--but a cock is a lot less complicated than a hand. Cocks have fewer nerves, no bones, and no tendons--maybe these transplant docs should have started with cocks and worked up to more complicated hand and face transplants.

However, it might be hard to find organ donors willing to part with this particular organ. The nice folks at the California Transplant Donor Network, an organ procurement organization in San Francisco, have never handled a cock donation and didn't know of any cases in which reproductive or sexual organs have been donated or transplanted. "Oh, we don't deal with that here," a spokesperson told me. "We deal with livers and hearts and stuff like that. Lifesaving transplants, not life enhancing."

Even if it is possible to one day transplant human hands, faces, and cocks, there are so many issues that need to be worked out that some docs, including Savage Love's resident medical consultant, Dr. Barak Gaster, declare these sorts of transplants to be impossible. Transplant a human cock? "Not a chance," said Gaster. "As transplant science currently stands, the medications that people must take to prevent the rejection of grafted organs are still very toxic. They lower the immune system and so can set people up for possibly life-threatening infections. Plus, they may increase the risk of cancer. So although technically a penis is easier to attach than a hand, the risks of the procedure would be so enormous that it's pretty inconceivable it will ever be done."

But you can dream, DLVD, you can dream. And until the day your dream comes true, compensate for your little dick by becoming the world's greatest pussy eater.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 23-year-old breeder female and I just started medical school. I've got a lot of great friends, I'm funny and good-looking, and I'm going to be making a lot of money one day. The problem is that I think I might be frigid or something. You once told a 15-year-old girl to listen to her pussy, and her pussy would let her know what she wanted. Well, my pussy isn't telling me a goddamn thing.

The thought of having some guy poke his cock into my privates is so nauseating that I'm still a virgin. Unfortunately I'm equally disgusted by the thought of getting it on with a girl. I pleasure myself frequently, but I only come when I'm thinking about bondage and being tied up. I don't know what to do--I just want to feel a sexual attraction toward someone: male, female, whatever! --Mute Pussy

PS: I wasn't molested as a kid, although my parents had an ugly divorce, and they've both had disastrous personal lives.

Hey, MP:

Thinking about being tied up makes you come. OK, so find someone who gets off on tying you up but isn't interested in sticking his cock in your privates or planting her pussy on your face. They exist. Some folks into bondage are just into bondage--no sex at all--and they'd be happy to accommodate you. Plenty of folks into S-M and bondage are aroused by playing, by the activity, and not by the gender of the person they happen to be playing with or by the sex that may or may not be a part of the play. These folks would be happy to tie you up and watch you masturbate, and if you're comfortable with them touching you, they may want to help you masturbate. Who knows? Maybe all you need to get your pussy talking is for someone to tie your virgin ass up.

Hey, Faggot:

Re: Microsoft and people's sex lives--if you use the spell checker built into Microsoft Word 95, the suggestion it gives for "zzz" is "sex." Try it! --Ida Tarbell

Hey, IT:

Wow, I tried it! What fun! Please keep me posted about any other hilarious examples of naughty spell-check suggestions! Man, I can't stop laughing! Sex! Ha!

Confidential to Paul:

OK, so you're sleeping with my research assistant. Don't let it go to your head. You're not the first guy Kevin's bagged with that little-boy-blond, butter-wouldn't-melt-in-my-rectum routine. Let me tell you something: butter does melt in Kevin's rectum. I've checked. Now the next time I see you at Power Exchange, pretend you don't know me, OK?

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, 60611.

Support Independent Chicago Journalism: Join the Reader Revolution

We speak Chicago to Chicagoans, but we couldn’t do it without your help. Every dollar you give helps us continue to explore and report on the diverse happenings of our city. Our reporters scour Chicago in search of what’s new, what’s now, and what’s next. Stay connected to our city’s pulse by joining the Reader Revolution.

Are you in?

  Reader Revolutionary $35/month →  
  Rabble Rouser $25/month →  
  Reader Radical $15/month →  
  Reader Rebel  $5/month  → 

Not ready to commit? Send us what you can!

 One-time donation  → 

Agenda Teaser

Performing Arts
April 30
Helen Money and guests Empty Bottle
June 17

Popular Stories