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Hey, Faggot:

I hope you print my letter so it can serve as a warning to all guys who like to have sex with hookers. I recently sent out for a call girl who had an ad in a paper that can be picked up for free in Chicago-area record stores. She happened to be an extremely good-looking black girl. We did it doggie style. Upon completion, I looked down and saw that the condom was broken. When she became aware of this, the first words out of her mouth were, "Oh, God, I'm not even on the pill!" What made the experience all the more bizarre for me was the fact that I've never had sex without a condom in my life, and I've never had a condom break before. I had never shot my spunk into a girl up to this point.

In her panic, the hooker told me she had a lesbian lover who was unaware of her profession. She said, "If I get pregnant, she'll wonder how I got that way!" The hooker's girlfriend was the least of my worries. The last thing she said was, "If I'm pregnant, I'll take care of it." I don't know if she meant she'd have an abortion or if she meant that she'd raise it on her own, and I didn't want to ask. After she left, I remembered reading an article about how a woman can take a large number of birth control pills after the fact to prevent an accidental pregnancy. For future reference, could you find out how many pills a woman needs to take?

Also, if she has a baby, what are my legal obligations? It's not as though she were my girlfriend. We had a business agreement that did not include her getting pregnant. So if she is pregnant and decides to have the baby, am I off the hook legally? I always thought one of the advantages of escort sex was not having to worry about pregnancy. Was I wrong! --Mr. Bad Luck

Hey, BL:

If rent-a-girl wound up pregnant as a result of that busted condom, consider yourself on the hook, legally speaking. You may have had a business agreement, but it was informal, and certainly not an agreement any court o' law would recognize or enforce. Remember, what you two were doing was technically illegal. So, if rent-a-girl has a baby and comes after you for child support, the judge is not gonna smile upon a we-were-only-having-sex-for-money defense. The law doesn't care how a child was conceived; the only thing the court will be interested in learning is whether you're the biological father. The judge can order you to undergo DNA testing, which can confirm paternity, and if you pass that DNA test, you'll be making child-support payments to a lesbian hooker for a long, long time.

However, it's unlikely that rent-a-girl will, if she is pregnant, carry your love child to term. Lesbian prostitutes, as Pat Robertson is fond of pointing out, swell the ranks of the pro-choice movement. If rent-a-girl is pregnant, she's likely to avail herself of her constitutional right to terminate her unwanted pregnancy, getting you off the hook legally and keeping her duped girlfriend in the dark permanently.

As for your question about preventing an accidental pregnancy, I kicked that over to my favorite accidental-pregnancy preventer, good ol' Mary Banecker of Planned Parenthood in Philadelphia: "Your reader is correct that emergency contraceptive pills (ECP) are actually a larger-than-normal dosage of birth control pills." ECP, also known as morning-after pills, work in two ways: they prevent a woman from releasing an egg, and they alter the lining of the uterus so that a fertilized egg, if present, can't attach and grow up to be a cute baby or an ugly paternity suit. Highly effective, ECP are not fail-safe--some women do become pregnant (about 5 percent). "The initial dose has to be taken within 72 hours after unprotected intercourse, and the second dose is taken 12 hours later," Mary told me. "At Planned Parenthood, we offer ECP to patients at the time of their routine annual visit, so that they can have it on hand if needed." Ladies, if you don't have ECP on hand, and the condom breaks, do not take a fistful of someone else's birth control pills. You need to see a doc for the correct dosage. Planned Parenthood provides ECP on an emergency basis too, so if a condom breaks or you get drunk and do something stupid, call 800-230-PLAN for the location of a Planned Parenthood Center near you. And remember: you need to get your butt in the door within 72 hours.

Finally, BL, if you don't wanna have to worry about pregnancy when you're having escort sex, don't rent a girl next time. Rent a boy.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a 40-year-old recently divorced professional male. I have fantasized about having an affair with another man, but I have no homosexual experience at all.

I work out a lot in a gym. Recently my racquetball partner--another professional male--has been getting erections when we're in the shower together. At first he tried to hide his erections, but now he doesn't unless somebody else walks in to shower. We've never talked about it. This probably sounds like a stupid question, but is he coming on to me? If he is, how do I say I'm interested? I can't see us actually having sex in the shower, but someplace private might be cool. I thought about getting us both drunk one night and jumping on him, but he doesn't drink. He's a nice guy and I'd like to get something going with him. I don't think he knows any more about this stuff than I do. --Professional Male

Hey, PM:

Speaking as a man with homosexual experience--none of it professional--boners in showers at gyms are always an invitation, a way of saying, "Hey, I think you're special, and I'd like to get to know you better." The fact that your racquetball partner waggles an erection at you in the shower, while hiding it from other men, is a good indication that he's grown fond of you in that special way men sometimes do for one another. Since you're both amateur homos, despite being professional men, a direct question--"Hey, are you waggling that erection at me because you want to have sex with me?"--is not a good idea. Men who are, well, what was once called "latent" and is now called "closeted," are easily spooked. Your best bet is to get him alone sometime, in some other place, and see what pops up.

Hey, Faggot:

To the 26-year-old straight boy bike rider with numb-dick: Have you tried those newfangled seats with the cutout under the naughty bits? These seats have a strategically placed three-inch-by-one-inch oval hole in the seat, eliminating pressure on those nerves that run into your dick. Theoretically, only your butt bones need to come into contact with the seat anyway. A similar seat exists for women.

Failing that, maybe you should try a recumbent bicycle. They resemble lawn chairs on wheels. They're expensive, but they're comfortable and fast. One of the editors of Bicycling magazine was in worse condition than you are, and using a recumbent bike worked for him. --MS

Hey, MS:

Thanks for sharing.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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