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Hey, Faggot:

My husband walked in on me in the bathroom as I was preparing to take an enema. He started to excuse himself and I told him that it was OK. He asked if he could help, and I suggested that he hold the bag for me. He did that. Then he asked me if I would let him do the whole thing for me. I taught him how to do it. Afterward, he told me he was aroused while he was giving me the enema. He said that my naked body seemed so fragile and vulnerable in that position. Since that time, he continuously offers to give me another enema. I turned it around on him the other day and asked if he wanted me to give him one. He declined and was embarrassed.

Any comments on this fixation he seems to have now? Is this a common thing? I myself am not aroused by enemas. It has, however, crossed my mind that I might find it erotic to be the giver and to be in the controlling position. --Overflowing

Hey, O:

Your husband has already given you a straightforward explanation for this fixation he seems to have now: your naked body, fragile and vulnerable. His explanation seems perfectly reasonable, and I don't see how in this case my at-a-distance comments would be of much use.

While having a thing for enemas isn't all that common, it is common enough to have its own listing in the Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices and to result in the production of special-interest videos, Web sites, and Internet newsgroups. But your husband doesn't sound like an honest-to-goodness enema fiend: he saw you in that alluring position, was intrigued by the power and the glory of filling you with a quart or two of suds, and wants to mess around. Simple. So indulge him; let him give the occasional enema. As this isn't a genuine, organic kink but rather a passing fancy, he'll probably want to play enema doc on and off for a while, then lose interest.

In the meantime, don't give up on him. He most likely declined your offer because most straight men don't want to appear too eager to put anything in their butts, for fear of being called a homo. Try making him an offer he can't refuse: "I'll let you give me ten enemas this month, if I can give you one right now." He'll brave that one enema--but not because he wants his ass filled, oh no: he has to in order to fill your ass.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm married, and my wife and I have the most beautiful, passionate sex. But sometimes I can't hold back to come with her. When I come early, I usually go soft in her. She doesn't mind, because I always make sure she gets hers either orally or with my hand, but I hate it. Do you have any advice on techniques for either holding orgasms back or keeping it up after you come? I just love making love to my wife, and don't want it to stop. But sometimes my penis just won't keep going.

--Cum and Gone

Hey, C&G:

Breeders, especially boys, attach way too much importance to simultaneous orgasms. Orgasms are distinct, separate events, not a single shared moment of bliss. Because men usually take less time to come than women, obsessing about "coming together" places pressure on a woman to fake an appropriately timed orgasm so as not to bruise her little man's spun-glass ego.

That said, you do have options. Bring the little lady to an orgasm or two before you fuck her. Once she's up and running, her orgasms should come closer together, and you won't have to hold out. You can also raise your oh-my-god-I'm-gonna-come threshold by getting to know your body better--specifically your dick. When do you pass the point of no return? Try working up to that point, pulling back, working up, pulling back. Practice together, while you're fucking: get close, stop fucking, rest inside her, repeat. And practice by yourself when you masturbate. And a cock ring might be a good short-term solution. Go to ye olde neighborhood sex shoppe and buy an adjustable cock ring, go home, fit it snugly around the base of your cock behind your balls, and fuck. The cock ring restricts the blood flow out of your penis and will keep you hard after you come, stud.

Hey, Faggot:

My husband of almost six years digs gay and lesbian bondage porn. The problems that I'm having are: (a) he thinks it's his secret, (b) he's lousy at hiding the material, (c) I'm feeling neglected.

We have a young child, which means you can't leave this type of material lying around. And I'm more than a little miffed that he uses his limited sexual energy on himself when I'm here expressing my desire and willingness to add some kink to our life. We have a box of toys that we employ once in a while, and only when I bring it up; but he has his own toys that he thinks are hidden (in his clothes, but guess who puts away his shirts?).

He refuses to discuss the matter, which makes me wonder if this is just embarrassment, or if he thinks this makes him gay (does it?). I'm trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt, but I'd like him to be more careful with this stuff (toddler curiosity knows no bounds), and maybe think of me to satisfy his kinkier desires once in a while. I feel like the kid who doesn't get asked to be on the team. --Confused

Hey, C:

If your husband were gay, he probably wouldn't be looking at lesbian bondage porn. It's more likely that he's a straight guy who happens to be turned on by queer bondage porn--it happens. I know more than a few kinky straight men who prefer gay bondage porn to straight bondage porn, because the actual bondage--the "rope work," the equipment--is just better in gay bondage porn.

He has to discuss this with you. Insist, and if he resists, make his life hell until he gives in: throw away his mags, hide his toys. If you want to drag him off to a shrink for some couples counseling, go to one who works with sexuality issues from a kink-positive perspective: it's not his kink that's the problem, it's that he's being such a freak about it.

Here's what I think you're likely to discover if and when he opens up to you: While he enjoys sex with you, his bondage fantasies involve strangers. A lot of bondage fans find playing with someone they have a love/marriage relationship with much less exciting than playing with someone they relate to on a strictly fantasy level. If that's his major malfunction, you'll either have to accept that he's going to have this fantasy life that you are only marginally a part of, and find a place in your home for him to safely store his mags and toys, or you can involve yourself in his fantasy life by having no-intercourse three-ways with bondage freaks you meet through SM clubs or personal ads. Then you'll really be on the team.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

© Dan Savage

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