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Hey, Faggot:

Recently I began going out with a wonderful guy who, in almost every respect, is the most well-adjusted person I've ever dated. He comes from a solid midwestern family, his parents have been married 30 years, and he has a great relationship with them.

There is something about this relationship, however, that I find disturbing. When my boyfriend's parents come to visit, his mother sleeps in the same bed with him, while his father sleeps on the futon in the adjoining room. When I remarked that this arrangement is strange, my boyfriend said, "That's how we always do it when we're on vacation. Dad always sleeps alone because he's the biggest and takes up the most room." My boyfriend has also told me that his mother is frigid and repulsed by all things sexual and that his parents haven't had sex for the last 15 years of their marriage. Which brings me to sexual relations between my boyfriend and myself. Our problem is that he is a premature ejaculator and has been all his life. Though he has been able to last longer as our relationship goes on, he's never had great control and often seems inhibited in bed, despite the fact that he has a strong sex drive.

Could sleeping in the same bed with his frigid mother be contributing to his sexual dysfunction? Is this situation totally weird and screwed up? Or am I just reading pop-Freudian significance into a perfectly innocent scenario?

--Too Close for Comfort

Hey, TCFC:

Are mother and son propped up on pillows all night talking about sex? ("I hate it, it's disgusting." "Yes, mother...") Are they having sex? ("I hate this, this is disgusting." "Yes, mother...") If mom is only sleeping in his bed, rest assured that your boyfriend's various sexual dysfunctions, if they have anything to do with mom's frigidity, are likelier to be the result of attitudes he picked up from her during his formative years, rather than the result of mom's sleep-overs in his maturity.

However, crashing with mom could very well tweak some of his long-since-formed sexual hang-ups, picking at old scabs, but only your boyfriend knows if that's the case. You may want to ask your boyfriend where the folks are going to sleep if and when you two shack up--would you be bumped out of the bedroom, perhaps forced to share the living room futon with dad, in order to make room in his bed for mom? If the answer to that question is yes, start looking around for a brand-new boyfriend.

Hey, Faggot:

I'm a breeder boy that's miserably in love with my brother's girlfriend. I love every particle of her being: her scent, her voice, her personality, soul...everything. I think about her constantly and can't get her out of my mind.

She and I had a brief thing going until our conscience (hers more than mine) got the better of us. I know she still cares for me, but she doesn't want to hurt my brother. I feel like one of those evil psychotic people without any sense of right or wrong. My brother is goodness incarnate and has always been very supportive of me. I really love my brother and don't want to lose him. But this is the first time I've ever been in love with someone who loves me in return (I think/hope). I think that she's the one and that I will never get over her.

Since finding a soul mate is rare, should I go the true love route and confront my brother and possibly lose the good relationship we have, and other family members who'll justifiably side with him? Or should I move out of the city and forget about her and just hope we'll meet again in another life?

--Dazed, Confused, Hurting

Hey, DCH:

Does your brother's girlfriend consider you her soul mate? Or was she diddling her boyfriend's cute younger brother on the side for the thrill of it, and had to call it off when younger brother's feelings started messing the sex up? If it's the latter, well, move and get over it. If it's the former, if she loves you back, I have a plan of action for you.

Follow these directions in the order that they're laid out, and you might get the girl and maintain good relations with your brother. 1. Your true love breaks up with your brother, providing some reason other than your superior pussy-eating skills. 2. Wait. At least a year. 3. Mess around with each other on the sly, but no dinners, no movies, no nothing that might tip off your brother or any of your other relatives. 4. Fix your brother up with as many single girls as you possibly can. 5. After your brother is over his ex, after he's started getting serious about someone else, tell him you ran into his ex-girlfriend in a bar, had a few drinks for old time's sake, one thing led to another, and you fucked. Twice. And you'd like to know if he'd be comfortable with the idea of you dating his long-ago, faraway ex-girlfriend.

Hopefully, if he's as selfless as you make him out to be, your brother will agree to it even if he's a little hurt by the news at first. Your relatives will take their cue from your brother's behavior toward you and your new girlfriend, and she will be welcomed back into the family. Of course, one false move, one misstep, and this could all blow up in both your faces.

Best of luck, you slimy shit.

Hey, Faggot:

My breeder friend has been seeing a bi-curious boy three years her younger and it's driving me nuts. She is constantly calling to tell me that she is about to break up with him because his eye is always wandering towards his ex. But she never really follows through. Until last week, when she actually surprised everyone and dumped his sorry ass. Yesterday, he came crawling back, charming the panties off her, begging for forgiveness. And it's working. She is contemplating dating him again, but I think she can do better. I've tried everything I can to break them up, including throwing myself at her boyfriend, but to no avail. What can I do to give this girl a stronger backbone?

--Gay Best Friend

Hey, GBF:

Nothing. She'll break up with her boyfriend when she's good and ready. Throwing yourself at him, a selfless act on your part, I'm sure, won't hurry the process along, nor will nagging at her. Your friend, like a good friend of mine that we'll call "Claire," will have to realize all on her own that she gets burned each and every time she lays a hand on the hot stove that is this particular love interest. All we can do, as faithful friends, is stand by and gape in horror as our Claires repeatedly burn themselves. And, of course, we can make fun.

But frankly, GBF, your willingness to bed your best buddy's "bi-curious" boyfriend calls your motives into some serious question. Is he actually "bi-curious," or are you hoping he is? Is that ex he's still hung up on a boy ex or a girl ex? Why exactly do you want her to dump him--for her own good, or for yours? Your desire for a piece of his ass could be clouding your judgment. Back off.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

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