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Hey, Faggot:

I have a question that seems diametrically opposed to your usual questions on this subject: How can I, a mostly sexually satisfied husband, convince my wife to let me give her more oral sex? She has many excuses: "It's not clean," or she "just urinated," or "It's not real sex like intercourse." She denigrates the practice as "hooligan behavior" and allows me a lick or suck very sparingly.

I have tried every means of convincing her that I can think of. I've tried to tell her that women's nerve endings for sexual pleasure receive more stimulation from oral sex than from regular intercourse. I've begged her to let me be a part of any fantasy she might have on the subject: I'll gladly lick her in the car, while hiking in the forest, while she watches TV or talks on the phone, even in a darkened (uncrowded) movie theater.

--Salivating in SF

Hey, SISF:

Get her to talk to some of her lady friends who like oral sex or something. And be sure to tell her it's really important to you. OK?

Hey, is everybody as excited as I am about Independence Day opening at theaters everywhere next week?! I don't usually fall for Hollywood hype--really I don't. I don't like action movies, and I hate science fiction. But I have fallen for the hype this time--and I can't get up! I'm even taking July 3 off work so I can see Independence Day before any of my friends. It's the trailer that did it. Have you seen it? Oh, my God--it is so amazing. These big motherfucking alien spaceships come to earth and start blowing shit up, and the people of earth--our defenses lowered by a steady stream of "nice" alien propaganda, from E.T. to Alf to Third Rock From the Sun--are, understandably, a little shocked by this hooligan behavior. Pro-alien propagandists would have us believe that aliens are our friends, that when they do show up they're going to give us some nicey-nicey pointers about cutting greenhouse gases, or teach us a valuable lesson about family values or product placement (Reese's Pieces), or star in a sitcom. Oh, no: they're comin' to blow shit up first, and anal probes second. In Independence Day, the aliens aren't intergalactic goodwill ambassadors--they're more like, well, Germans. Man, I can't wait!

Hey, Faggot:

Recently at my job (at a brokerage house) we got a new manager who has taken away our privilege of casual/dress-down Fridays. Now, dressing down is no big deal to me, but his memo referred to dressing casual as somehow indicative of "declining personal standards and social decay." This is ludicrous!

He seems to just want to show us who's boss. It's so typical of management to focus on the petty-ass shit rather than focusing on running the office more efficiently or maintaining good morale. Please let me know your feelings on this. --Questioning Authority

Hey, QA:

You work for a gaddammed brokerage house. You don't like dress codes? Get a nose ring and go pull espresso somewhere. Jeez.

By far the way coolest part of the trailer for Independence Day is when the aliens blow up the fucking White House! With the first lady inside! Now, this is the second film to come out of Hollywood since the Clintons took office in which the first lady dies or is already dead. Did you see The American President with Michael Douglas and Annette Bening? Really bad movie: Michael Douglas is basically Bill Clinton, but fictional Bill comes complete with a spine, principles, a conscience, ideals, scruples, honor, etc. And his wife is dead. Watching The American President you get the creepy feeling that the filmmakers are saying Bill Clinton would be a terrific president if only Hillary would drop fucking dead. Not even President Michael Douglas's Chelsea-ish teenage daughter seems to miss mom much!

That makes two dead fictional first ladies in less than a year. I can't recall a single cinematic dead first lady during the entire Reagan administration. Did anyone ever suggest that Bush would've been a better president if Barbara had died of a gin-and-tonic-induced stroke? What is up? If the Clintons win a second term, how many more dead first ladies are we going to be treated to? If Libby Dole is our next first lady, will the first-lady body count continue to rack up, or will this murderous nightmare of depravity come to an end? Oh, the humanity!

Hey, Faggot:

I'm 21 and I am a college student. My college life is completely separate from my life at home. I am gay. I have nothing against gay people. But I don't want to be gay! It has been my life goal to get married and have children for as long as I can remember. I will never be happy with a man. I would never be able to tell my family, and I don't want them to know. I am having a real hard time dealing with this and I'm taking it out on my friends. I think that my friends would accept me, but I don't know for sure.

My problem is that I can't keep this to myself anymore. I don't want to "come out," I never want to be considered "out." But I can't deal with this alone. Counselors won't be any help--this is too personal to talk to a stranger about. What can I do?

--Deeply Depressed

Hey, DD:

You know, it's June and there's lots of queer-pride stuff going on, so now would be a good time to come out and everything. Really, you'll be glad you did, and you really don't have any other choice. Go see a counselor and force yourself to talk about the "personal stuff." After all, that's what they're there for--people don't go to counselors to talk about the weather. Or the movies.

If your friends freak out or your parents disown you, well, there's nothing like a good Hollywood blockbuster to take your mind off your troubles. Just pretend that your family and all your friends are on a tour of the White House when--boom!!!

There are a lot of stars in Independence Day, just like there were in all those big 70s disaster-movie ensemble pictures like Earthquake and The Towering Inferno. Will Smith is the lead--he's a top-gun fighter pilot--and Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, and Randy Quaid are in it too. Unfortunately Shelley Winters isn't in Independence Day, and that's a real shame. I just finished her autobiography--what a great lady! But you know who's in it that you probably wouldn't expect? Harvey Fierstein! Independence Day is the first-ever aliens-attack-the-earth picture with an openly gay actor in it, which is something of a milestone. Who would've thought Celluloid Closet would be dated so soon? I was at the gym with my friend Eric the other day, and right across the street there's a huge billboard for Independence Day, and when I said I was dying to see it, all the snooty highbrow gay guys laughed at me (I work out with an artsy-fartsy crowd). Then I pointed out that Harvey was in it, and they all shut up. See you at the movies on July 3!

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.


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