Now with extra lobster | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Now with extra lobster 

Dan accepts the challenge to coin a new useful term. Plus: advice for Miss Pooper's husband.

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click to enlarge "'With extra lobster' struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something." - TOA HEFTIBA
  • "'With extra lobster' struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something."
  • Toa Heftiba

Q: Can I still be considered sex positive if I personally do not have sex? I've never had sex or masturbated—all my life, any type of sexual stimulation has been very painful and I've been unable to experience orgasm. I simply get a migraine and feel mildly nauseated instead. I am not looking for a possible solution, as I long ago accepted my fate and consequently avoid sex, such as by maintaining only sexless relationships. My question is simply whether I can still be considered sex positive if I do not enjoy or engage in sexual activity? —Personally Loathes Unpleasant Sex

A: I consider myself cunnilingus positive, PLUS, despite the fact that I could not personally enjoy (and therefore have never engaged in) that particular sexual activity. While I don't think it would cause me physical pain, I would not be able to experience orgasm myself (through simultaneous self-stimulation) while performing cunnilingus, and my cunnilingus partner would be highly unlikely to experience orgasm either (due to my ineptness). If I can nevertheless consider myself cunnilingus positive under the circumstances—if I can consider myself a cunnilingus advocate—you can consider yourself sex positive.

Q: About twice a week, my wife gets up from the dinner table to have a shit. She won't make the smallest effort to adjust the timing so we can finish our dinner conversation. She can't even wait for a natural break in the conversation. She will stand up and leave the room when I am making a point. Am I rightfully upset or do I just have to get over it? When I say something, she tells me it's unavoidable. —Decidedly Upset Man Petitions Savage

A: "Let her have her poop," said Zach Noe Towers, a comedian in Los Angeles who just walked into the cafe where I was writing this week's column. "His Miss Pooper isn't going to change her ways." I would only add this: Absent some other evidence—aural or olfactory—you can't know for sure that your wife actually left the room to take a shit. She could be in the bathroom scrolling through Twitter or checking her Instagram DMs. In other words: taking a break from your shit, DUMPS, not shitting herself.

Q: My boyfriend goes to pieces whenever I am the least bit critical. I'm not a scold, and small things don't bother me. But when he does something thoughtless and I bring it to his attention, he starts beating up on himself and insists that I hate him and I'm going to leave him. I'm not sure how to handle this. —Boyfriend Always Wailing Loudly

A: Someone who leaps to YOU HATE ME! YOU HATE ME! when their partner wants to constructively process the tiniest conflict is being a manipulative shit, BAWL. Your boyfriend goes right to the self-lacerating (and fake) meltdown so that you'll hesitate to initiate discussion about a conflict or—god forbid—really confront him about some selfish, shitty, or inconsiderate thing he's done. As the parent of any toddler can tell you, tantrums continue so long as tantrums work.

Q: Santorum, DTMFA, pegging, GGG, the Campsite Rule, monogamish—you've coined a lot of interesting and useful terms over the years, Dan, but it's been a while since you rolled out a new one. You can consider this a challenge. —Neo-Neologisms, Please!

A: I've got two for you, NNP.

"Harnies" (pronounced like "carnies"): Vanilla guys who attend big gay leather/rubber/fetish events like International Mr. Leather or Folsom Street Fair in harnesses. A harnie owns just one piece of fetish gear—his harness, usually purchased on the day of the event, often in a neon color, never to be worn during sex—and pairs his harness with booty shorts and sneakers. Kinky guys old enough to remember when vanilla guys wouldn't be caught dead at fetish events prefer having harnies around to the kink shaming that used to be rampant even in the gay community. And most kinky guys are too polite to tell harnies that harnesses aren't merely decorative. Someone should be able to hold on to your harness while they're fucking you or add ropes if they want to tie you down. So if your harness is made out of stretchy fabric—like lime-green Lycra—then it's not a harness, it's a sports bra. Kinky guys are also too polite to tell harnies when they're wearing their harnesses upside down or backward.

"With Extra Lobster": There are food carts in Iceland that sell delicious lobster stew, lobster rolls, and lobster sandwiches. The menu at the cart my husband and I kept returning to when we visited Reykjavík included this item: "With Extra Lobster." You could order your lobster with extra lobster! Lobster is a luxurious and decadent treat, and getting extra lobster with your lobster kicks the luxury and decadence up a big notch. "With extra lobster" struck me as the perfect dirty euphemism for something. It could be something very specific—say, someone sticks their tongue out and licks your balls while they're deep-throating your cock. We could describe that as a blow job with extra lobster. Or it could be a general expression meaning "more of whatever hot thing gets you off." I'm open to your suggested definitions of "with extra lobster."  v

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