Savage Love: November 26, 2009 | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Savage Love: November 26, 2009 

Why is this gay guy having sex with me?

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Q I'm a 29-year-old single straight man. Over the past year I've become very close friends with a gay man close to my age. We have a blast hanging out, and I value our friendship. Four months ago he told me that he'd developed romantic feelings for me and said he needed a little space to save our friendship. For a couple of months we saw each other only with mutual friends. Then we started hanging out again. It's been great, and he seems very comfortable with me again. The thing is, I'm now experiencing a sexual attraction to him. I've never been with a man and I'm very attracted to women, but it doesn't bother me that I suddenly feel this way.

I've been thinking about asking him if he wants to have a sexual experience with me. I think he'd go for it. A long-term romantic relationship with him doesn't interest me, but I do love him as a friend and don't want to risk losing that. Is it possible this could be just a onetime thing that brings us closer as friends, or is it more likely to ruin our friendship? He's the only guy I've ever been attracted to, and I want to have this experience. —Straight Except for One Guy

A While you're open to having a gay experience with your friend, SEFOG, he'd probably prefer to have a gay relationship with someone. The fact that he can't "have you"—i.e., you're never gonna gay marry him—may make him reluctant to fuck your ass. Having sex with you could obviously reignite feelings he made an effort to squash to "save the friendship"—duh—and he may dread the feelings of jealousy and inadequacy that could swamp him if you wind up in a LTR with a woman.

All that said, SEFOG, I'm going to share a little secret with you about gay men: We're men, real men, just like straight men. We're good at having sex without getting emotionally attached—some of us are a little too good at it—and a single gay man, like a single straight man, rarely passes up a chance to get with someone he's attracted to, even if he wants more than that person can give. About the only thing gay men are better at than straight men—besides deep throating—is maintaining friendships with exes, one-night stands, friends-with-benefits, fuck buddies, etc.

Lob your balls into your friend's court, SEFOG, and see what he says. You were able to remain friends after he confessed his attraction to you, so I don't see why you wouldn't be able to remain friends after you confess your attraction to him.

Q I'm a woman with an extremely gorgeous, brilliant, openly (mostly) gay friend who I've been having sex with infrequently but regularly over the last six months. I know why I'm doing it: I enjoy his company, he's hot, and the sex is incredible. But I'm not sure why he's having sex with me, a straight girl. The most I could get out of him is that he thinks I have a "masculine sexuality." I'd like to have a clearer understanding of where our friendship/sexual relationship stands. I'm a person who likes to talk about everything, but he isn't. —Confused Over Male Eroticism

A I'd hazard a guess that your (mostly) gay friend is doing this—doing you—for the same reasons you're doing him: he enjoys your company, you're hot, and the sex is great. As for where you stand, COME, well, that depends on what you want. Do you want hot sex with a hot guy every once in a while? Then you're in good standing. Do you want a relationship? Then you're deluding yourself. Very few gay-identified men are secretly closeted straight guys, COME. When a bisexual guy identifies as gay, it's typically because he's not romantically attracted to women. He can fuck women, but he doesn't fall in love with women. Most bisexual guys are the opposite of your (mostly) gay friend, i.e., they can fuck men but they don't fall in love with men, which is why most bi guys identify as (mostly) straight.

Q I wanted to satisfy my curiosity about getting a blow job from a guy. I found one online willing to do the deed, and we met and he started. After about 15 seconds, I stopped him. It wasn't for me and didn't feel right. Now, in reality, what are my chances of getting a disease? Low? Medium? High? I wasn't wearing a condom. I know you're going to tell me to get tested, which I probably will. But in your opinion, are my chances so great that I should run to the clinic? Would it matter the time length of the BJ? Say, if it were 10 to 15 minutes instead of seconds? Thanks for your time. —Sent From My iPhone

A My apologies to Jerry Herman: it only takes a moment to contract a sexually transmitted infection you could have your whole life long, SFMi. If the guy who blew you—however brief the blow job was—had syphilis or chlamydia or herpes or all three, you could've contracted any or all of them. You can't contract an STI from a guy who doesn't have any STIs, of course, but what do you think the chances are that a guy who blows strangers he meets online has an STI? Low? Medium? High?

Go get tested, SFMi.

Q I'm a 23-year-old lesbian who's been in a relationship with a bisexual woman. She's always had a fantasy about guy-girl-girl three-ways, so about five or so months ago, we decided to invite her best friend, "Roger," into bed with us. We've both been pretty happy with the arrangement. At the start I refused to have sex with him. But about two months ago I decided I wanted to try it, never having had sex with a guy myself. I couldn't get into it, so we stopped after two minutes. Since then I've missed two periods and done four home pregnancy tests—all positive.

How the hell am I going to break the news to my girlfriend? We used condoms! I'd like to keep the baby and raise it with her, but we've been living with each other for only a year. And how do I break it to Roger, if at all? —Gay Baby Mama Drama

A How do you break the news to your girlfriend? The same way you break it to Roger: without further delay. Keeping the baby is your decision and your choice, GBMD, but it's a decision you have to make in consultation with your girlfriend if you're counting on her to raise this baby with you. And as your ultimate choice will have enormous potential consequences for Roger, both emotional and financial, he needed to be informed of your condition three pregnancy tests ago.

Your girlfriend may not be ready for the kind of commitment that coparenting represents. Roger may be nontraditional in the whole three-ways-with-hot-lesbians sense but traditional in the wants-to-be-the-father-of-his-child sense. You need their input as you make this choice, GBMD. And you have choices in addition to abortion or keeping the baby. There's also open adoption. In an open adoption, you pick the family the child is placed with, and you and Roger can have ongoing contact with the child after adoption. You can learn more about open adoption at

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