Savage Love: August 26, 2010 | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

Savage Love: August 26, 2010 

Can I get herpes from my puppy?

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David Shankbone Creative Commons attribution 2.0 generic

Q I lost my virginity last night.

I'm a straight male in my early 30s, so it was about time. It wasn't awkward, and we had a good time. However, I didn't climax during sex, which is a result of years of death-grip masturbation. (Thanks for the warning, Dan—I'm sorry I didn't heed it.) She took it personally but seemed satisfied when I said it was only nerves.

I'm left this morning with more confusion and trepidation about my relationship with my new girlfriend than I had going in. I suppose this is normal, but I don't see last night as some victory or a "bonding moment," and I'm afraid that's a bad sign. I also find myself being critical of my partner's performance, which, as a virgin, I'm not in a good position to judge. She has never been a particularly good kisser, and her blow-job technique was less than spectacular. Although it was a pleasant experience, I feel like it lacked passion or spark, which is probably just normal for a first time, but I'm concerned.

I feel like an asshole for even having these thoughts. Is there something wrong with me and/or am I an asshole? —One Potential Asshole

PS: I've attached some photos in hopes that you will respond.

A There could be something wrong with you, OPA, and you could be an asshole. I can't rule either possibility out after quickly reading one e-mail and thoroughly examining three nude photographs.

It's possible that your girlfriend is a bad kisser/blower. Just because you're a virgin—or were a virgin—doesn't mean you're going to automatically click with the first woman you sleep with. It's possible that, however much you like this girl, you're just not sexually and/or chemically compatible. But sex is a skill that takes time and practice to acquire. It may take a little time and some experimentation to discover what works for you.

And if you give her some time, you may find that she works for you.

If she didn't know you were a virgin, OPA, tell her. And tell her that it wasn't nerves that prevented you from getting off, but the unfamiliarity of the sensations you were experiencing and, perhaps, a masturbatory style that desensitized your dick. Tell her it might take you a little while to get there, but with her help and patience—and mouth and pussy—you're sure you can. And then try to relax, experiment, and enjoy.

And no more death grip—period. When you masturbate, use your nondominant hand, a lighter grip, or perhaps a Fleshlight.

Q I'm herpes-free, but I found out today that my roommate has contracted it. He has a sore but won't see a doctor about it because he's embarrassed. We share the same bathroom, so I knew I would have to be diligent about that. But now I'm freaking out: not long after he shared this information, my seven-month-old puppy ran into his room and proceeded to cover my roommate's face with kisses. I've called the vet and my medical provider, and while they both agree that my pup can't contract the STD, they can't rule out the pup passing the infection on to me. Please advise. I'd like to know how best to handle this situation. —Scared to Death

A Wouldn't it be great if being paranoid about contracting herpes was the only way to contract herpes?

Look, STD, lots of people self-diagnose themselves with herpes when all they have is an innocuous little cut or sore near their mouth or genitals. People who are too embarrassed/ridiculous to go see their doctors are highly likely to arrive at a herpes misdiagnosis. So calm the fuck down.

Even if your roommate does have herpes, STD, you're not going to get it from sharing a toilet—unless you and the roommate have invented a novel new way of taking a dump. And you're not going to get it from your damn dog. For his own sake, your roommate shouldn't allow your dog to lick his open sores (who does he think he is, Job?), herpes-related or not, and if you're really freaking out about your promiscuously affectionate new dog, well, you can make up your mind to refrain from kissing any animal that drinks out of toilets, licks its own ass, and laps up vomit.

Q I have a new girlfriend. She likes me to eat her cream pie after we have sex. She does get off again, and squirts most of the time when I do it. No one has ever asked me to do this before. Is she crazy? Am I for doing it? —Not a Cream Pie Lover Yet

A Why does someone have to be crazy? A cream pie isn't my preferred postorgasm snack—I much prefer a Creamsicle—but if it turns your girlfriend on and gets her off, and if doing this for her doesn't leave you curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position, then you're not crazy and neither is she. She's kinky, you're GGG, and you're both enjoying some kick-ass, boundary-pushing sex. Enjoy.

Q I'm a 28-year-old straight guy. I'm also five feet six and 124 pounds. I know, I know—I'm hardly microscopic. But I always feel like a lost kid when I'm at a bar or club, with people my age or younger towering over me. So that, right away, is a confidence killer when trying to meet women. But here's the kicker: I like tall women. In fact, I prefer somewhat butch women—Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry, Geena Davis in A League of Their Own—and this leads to the ancillary problem that many of the women I'm attracted to are lesbians and thus not interested in me. But even the tall, butchy, straight/bi girls tend to go for guys who are taller than they are. Most women I talk to about why they fall for tall guys have a common response: they're looking for someone who makes them feel secure.

That's what I want! Is it so damn wrong to want a woman to be protective of me? I want to be held by a strong pair of lady arms! No, I'm not into supermuscle women, nor am I into hard-core dom/sub stuff. Why is my vanilla kink such an obstacle? What am I to do? —Below Their League

A Most women prefer taller men—not tall men, just men who are taller than they are. It's a sad, unavoidable fact, BTL, one you'll have to accept (just as I had to accept that most men prefer women), and you'll have to search longer and harder for the lady/lady arms of your dreams. Not much else you can do about it.

I've got some space to kill, so here are a few Savage Love programming notes: my recently announced celebrity crush—Stefon on SNL as portrayed by Bill Hader—is no longer operative. My new celebrity crush is Branden Hayward, the actor who plays the cute-but-dim young husband in those Rhapsody commercials. Sigh.

Ever wanted to be a porn star for a weekend but not for the rest of your life? Ever wanted to win large cash prizes? Go to to learn more about HUMP!, my annual amateur porn festival that's now in its sixth year. Hard-core, soft-core, erotica, animation, robots, zombies, virgins, cream pies, lady arms—everyone and everything is welcome at HUMP! The deadline for entry is October 15. Go to the website for contest details, release forms, and dates.

And finally: Khia's new album? My goodness.

Care to comment? Find this column at Send questions to Download the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at


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