Rain Credited for Cubs Non-Loss | Our Town | Chicago Reader

Rain Credited for Cubs Non-Loss 

Far Suburban Register

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A morning sprinkle that turned into a steady afternoon drizzle prevented the Cubs from being one-hit for the second straight day Saturday. When the game was called at 12:05 PM, the Cubs had not lost 9-0.

Only one fewer Cubs batter reached base than on Friday. Some were heartened that the Cubs appear to be slowing the pace of their failure to improve. "You can't try to do too much, make it all up in one day," said a naked man in the locker room.

Manager Don Baylor was hesitant to blame the weather for another nonvictory. "It's hard to string together a lot of base hits when the tarp's down, but these guys need to find a way," said the man they call Groove. Delino DeShields did attempt a bunt in the batting cage under Wrigley Field, but fouled the pitch off Todd Hundley's nostril. Hundley's status is cigarette to cigarette.

Despite not having a good curve ball or slider in the shower that morning, impressive rookie Juan Cruz saw his ERA stay at 2.14. He was not victimized by a Cubs defense featuring utility men at second and third and a first baseman with no feel for in-between hops.

Not since the 1988 New York Mets played a third baseman at short, a first baseman at third, and a third baseman at second have there been so many ragtags on the bags.

The inclement weather proved the efficacy of the Wrigley Field "security screens." Rainy days tend to make terrorists moody and petulant, yet none breached the screens in either direction.

Nevertheless, the battle of hypocrites raged on. Owners of jerry-built brownstone bleachers continued to argue it's downright un-American and antibaseball for the Tribune Company to object to the theft of its intellectual property.

They also pointed to a research paper published by a University of Chicago economist showing that $100 brownstone seats are no more expensive than free "knothole" views were in 1902, in inflation-adjusted dollars. She was awarded the Nobel Prize for literature.

In solidarity with the beleaguered landlord-entrepreneurs, the Chicago City Council hustled through an ordinance allowing masons to begin work on a brick grandstand atop the Sears Tower. It will have a commanding view of Taste of Chicago and the eventual new Soldier Field.

Only Alderman Helen Shiller (46th) cast a no vote. She was later seen gnawing through the Wrigley Field security screens wearing only a Che T-shirt and sanitary socks.

Cubs executive vice prexy Mark McGuire blasted the bleacher pirates, the economist, the Nobel committee, the City Council, Shiller, Goethe, and several of Wagner's lesser works. "That lost revenue is the difference between signing a Todd Hundley and a Mike Piazza," he said, knowing not a soul believed him.

Meanwhile, in a proxy statement filed with the Securities and Exchange Commission, the Tribune Company stated that it granted seven columnists a total of 2.3 million fully vested options in exchange for favorable treatment during the security screen imbroglio. The options have a strike price of $6,750.

TribCo stock (NYSE:TRB) finished the day slightly lower, at $45.03, well above its 52-week low of $29.71 but still below analysts' target. "You can't try to do too much, make it all up in one day," said a naked man in the Tribune Tower.


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