Natural Born Masturbators | Letters | Chicago Reader

Natural Born Masturbators 

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Dear Letters Editor,

Speaking of whipping it out in public and related acts of exhibitionism more generally, that was quite some example of it the Reader published the other day--I mean "Big Deal," Albert F. Ferolie's November 3 letter. (Yes. That's Albert F. Ferolie of Ferolie & Stephenson, P.C., Attorneys at Law.)

How can anyone do justice to a letter as angry as Ferolie's? Erin E. Hogan's "Jerked Around" (October 27), her story of indecent exposure by an anonymous male (call him Masturbator No. One) and the failure of the criminal justice system to do anything constructive about it, was a "pitiful, self-indulgent writ of martyrdom," Ferolie believes. Not for him the "sociological psychobabble." The "whining." Indeed, the "whole story."

Why, he even told the Reader to piss off (in so many words) for publishing the piece.

Oh, that brute!

But why all the animus? The anger? The carping? What's with this Albert F. Ferolie guy, anyway?

I have a theory. And I've discovered it myself. (With a lot of help from Masturbator No. Two.) I call it the First Law of Masturbation. It goes like this. When for what are reasons of nurture rather than nature, a natural born masturbator is repeatedly denied the option as a young lad to really whip it out in public (unlike the antagonist in Erin Hogan's important story), some little switch goes "CLICK" in his head, and the hardwiring gets recircuited. Then, his instincts become sublimated, and a bunch of years pass. He grows up. Goes to law school. Or joins the army.

In a thumb sketch, that's the theory. Eventually, the natural born masturbator in them will always come out, in one form or another.

Pamela Stewart

N. State

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