Jerry Fallwell, Blame Thrower | Essay | Chicago Reader

Jerry Fallwell, Blame Thrower 

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Dr. Jerry Falwell

Jerry Falwell Ministries

Lynchburg, VA 24514

Reaching the World for Christ

Dominion Virginia Power

PO Box 26532

Richmond, VA 23261-6532

December 3, 2000

To Whom It May Concern:

For seemingly ever, I have remarked to people that "when the Lord said let there be light, he very well may have been speaking about Dominion Virginia Power," such was my satisfaction with your service.

Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened my most recent statement only to see an extra $25 billing for a "returned check charge."

It is impossible for my account to be overdrawn, thanks to the generosity of those who support my ministries and their assorted affiliates and holding companies. As to how this might have happened, I point my finger in the face of the ACLU, which is run by the Jews, who control the international monetary system and are likely siphoning funds to pay for their secularist agenda, causing my check to "bounce higher than a gorked-up trust-fund princess at a Phish concert," as your delightful customer service representative so colorfully put it.

Given the clear absence of my responsibility in this matter, I have taken the liberty of deducting $25 from this month's payment.

Thank you and God bless you,

Dr. Jerry Falwell

Columbia House Music Club

1400 N. Fruitridge Ave.

Terre Haute, IN 47811-1157

May 15, 2001

To Whom It May Concern:

Why are there charges for Krayzie Bone's Thug on da Line and Snoop Doggy Dog's Doggystyle on my account? Charlotte Church, Billy Gilman, and even Jars of Clay were all received, listened to, and enjoyed--but these two purveyors of "philth"? No sirs.

As faithfully as I perform my nightly prayers beseeching the Lord Almighty to smite the wicked, so too do I fill out my monthly selection return card. Trust my word as a man of God, then, that no request for receipt of those compact discs was made by me or anyone at Jerry Falwell Ministries. I suspect in this case that my card was kept from its true path by my mail carrier, whom I believe to be a homosexual.

Sincerely,

Kevin Williamson

Creator, Dawson's Creek

c/o the WB Television Network

4000 Warner Blvd.

Burbank, CA 91522

July 6, 2001

Mr. Williamson,

Your romantic flim-flammery has been mocking God, and God will not be mocked.

Should you continue to senselessly seesaw the lovely Joey between Dawson and Pacey for another season in your efforts to fan the flames of a passionate late-teen love triangle, you will no doubt soon experience flames of another sort: those of hellfire, licking at your hedonist child-pornographer hooves.

To avoid this fate you must take the following steps IMMEDIATELY:

1. Joey will, once and for all, declare her love for Dawson, her God-given soul mate. (EVERYBODY CAN SEE THIS! WHY CAN'T YOU?!!!!)

2. Joey and Dawson shall consecrate their perfect love with the holy sacrament of matrimony.

3. Joey and Dawson shall consummate their marriage in Dawson's old bedroom at his parents' house, in Dawson's bed, as the soft strains of Marc Cohn's "True Companion" play on the sound track.

In addition, come morning, Dawson shall make Joey pancakes as a testament to his love.

Do you think Buffy the Vampire Stabber was moved from the WB to UPN merely because of a complex power dynamic revolving around production company ownership and syndication rights? Or is it God, in his refusal to be disrespected further by the worship and fetishization of the dark arts, who has consigned the paganists to suffer in the Nielsen underworld alongside filth like Nikki, The Oblongs, and The Wayne Brady Show?

I trust that your path back to His grace is now clear.

Dr. Jerry Falwell

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