How to get laid without freaking out | Savage Love | Chicago Reader

How to get laid without freaking out 

Advice for a victim of sexual abuse and rape. Plus: Help, I snooped and discovered what I most feared!

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click to enlarge "The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds great—but in reality, moving that quickly with someone I don't know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything."

"The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds great—but in reality, moving that quickly with someone I don't know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything."

Henry Fuseli, The Nightmare (1781)

Q: I'm a 36-year-old straight woman. I was sexually and physically abused as a kid, and raped in my early 20s. I have been seeing a great therapist for the last five years, and I am processing things and feeling better than I ever have. I started dating this past year, but I'm not really clicking with anyone. My problem is that I'd really love to get laid. The idea of casual sex and one-night stands sounds great—but in reality, moving that quickly with someone I don't know or trust freaks me out, causes me to shut down, and prevents me from enjoying anything. When I was in a relationship, the sex was great. But now that I'm single, it seems like this big, scary thing. Is it possible to get laid without feeling freaked out? —Sexual Comfort and Reassurance Eludes Dame

A: It is possible for you to get laid without feeling freaked out.

The answer is so obvious, SCARED, that I'm guessing your therapist has already suggested it: Have sex with someone you know and trust. You didn't have any issues having sex with your ex because you knew and trusted him. For your own emotional safety, and to avoid recovery setbacks, you're going to have to find someone willing to get to know you before you can have sex again.

You've probably thought to yourself, "But everyone else is just jumping into bed with strangers and having amazing sexual experiences!" True, many people are capable of doing just that. But at least as many or more are incapable of having impulsive one-night stands because they too have a history of trauma, or because they have other psychological, physical, or logistical issues that make one-night stands impossible. (Some folks, of course, have no interest in one-night stands to begin with.)

Something else to bear in mind: it's not unheard of for someone reentering the dating scene to have some difficulty making new connections at first. The trick is to keep going on dates until you finally click with someone. Also, don't hesitate to tell the men you date that you need to get to know a person before jumping into bed with him. That will scare some guys off, but only those guys who aren't willing to get to know you—and those aren't guys you would have felt safe fucking anyway, right? So be open and honest, keep going on those first dates, and eventually you'll find yourself with a guy you can think about taking home without feeling panicked. Good luck.

Q: This is about a girl, of course. Pros: She cannot hide her true feelings. Cons: Criminal, irascible, grandiose sense of self, racist, abstemious, self-centered, anxious, moralist, monogamous, biased, denial as a defense mechanism, manipulative, liar, envious, and ungrateful. She is also anthropologically and historically allocated in another temporal space continuum. And last but not least: she runs less quickly than me despite eight years age difference and her having the lungs of a 26-year-old nonsmoker. Thoughts? —Desperate Erotic Situation

A: If someone is criminal, racist, and dishonest—to say nothing of being allocated in another temporal space continuum (whatever the fuck that means)—I don't see how "cannot hide her true feelings" lands on the "pro" side of the pro/con ledger. You shouldn't want to be with a dishonest, moralizing bigot, DES, so the fact that this particular dishonest, moralizing bigot is incapable of hiding her truly repulsive feelings isn't a reason to consider seeing her—it's the opposite.

Q: My boyfriend and I love each other deeply, and the thought of breaking up devastates me. We also live together. I deeply regret it and am full of shame, but I impulsively went through his texts for the first time. I found out that for the past few months he has been sexting and almost definitely hooking up with someone who I said I was not comfortable with. We are in an open relationship, but his relationship with her crosses what we determined as our "cheating" boundary: hiding a relationship. How do I confess to what I did and confront him about what I found without it blowing up into a major mess? —Upset Girl Hopes Relationship Survives

A: Snooping is always wrong, of course—except when the snooper discovers something she or he had a right to know. This is a major mess, UGHRS, and there's no way to confront your boyfriend without risking a blowup. So tell him what you know and how you found out. You'll be in a better position to assess whether you want this relationship to survive after you confess and confront.  v

Download the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at savagelovecast.com.

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