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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Now We've Established Something Precious

Posted By on 05.26.10 at 01:57 PM

I have spent the last week or two defining and labeling. It's not something I like to do but it needs to be done so I figured I would mix the task in with my spring cleaning. First and foremost (and there was a lot of debate on this one) this is not a sandwich. In fact, what KFC has done is taken centuries of sandwich evolution, all the years of hard work and perfection, and completely destroyed it. We are now back to eating clumps of meat with our hands. The easiest way to tell that the Double Down is not a sandwich is duh! There is no bread! People did point out that there is breading. True, there is breading but that is not bread. That is like calling Yoo-Hoo chocolate milk. It's chocolate and it is a liquid, no doubt, but it's made with dairy whey, hence making it chocolate drink and not chocolate milk. And secondly, KFC uses the Cluck, a genetically engineered animal which has a hole that you put butter in. True story, I did a lot of research on the subject in college. I even drew a picture of how I think it looks. Basically it's a gray rock that just kind of shakes when it's hungry but over the years I have added more detail to the Cluck making resemble it's not so distant cousin, the rubber chicken. To settle the great sandwich debate, I did propose a death match between Colonial Sanders and the Earl of Sandwich. I'd put money on the Earl if I was you. Now onto people.

I went through my list of acquaintances (long lost friends, exes, old neighbors, etc.) to see which are worth keeping in my phone and which are not because people become worth the time or a waste of time, that's just the way it goes with relationships. I like to keep it pretty cut and dry, no gray area, either good or bad, in or out. The thing is when I come across a name in my contact list I remember exactly how I know the person or how I wound up with their number in the first place. Now I have to define the relationship which can get tricky. Did we date or just hangout? Were we just friends or a little more? But see then I have to think about what actually constitutes a date anyway. A hangout can be a date and a date can be a hangout, or a hangout can be just hanging out. After a couple days of circular logic, applying geometry to relationships (a rectangle is a square but a square is not a rectangle. A square is also a rhombus and by definition is also a triangle given the 90 degree angles. And I may in fact be a square myself for bringing math into this). So, I applied formulas, scratched my head, thought back to instances of hangouts past, thought back to instances of make outs past which led to thoughts of make outs present, which led to me checking the clock to see when the make outs of the future will become the present (as soon as she is done working). Yeah, see, I was kind of getting lost while thinking about this one so I had to call upon some associates to get some clear lines drawn on what is what when it comes defining a hangout and a date.

I present to you my findings:

Associate #1, Female. Location: Bar of Broken Hearts-
Heartbroker: Alright, so then you and the guy were on a date?
Associate #1: Well, I guess. No, we were just hanging out. Like we hung out all weekend.
HB: So then not a date? Boyfriend now or just boy who is a friend?
Assoc. #1: I think so.. I stayed at his place all weekend. I haven't heard from him since Sunday so who knows.
HB: Alright so since you haven't heard from him in like 4 days you are ruling out any kind of boyfriend thing and so then the weekend was just hanging out...
Assoc. #1: Yeah...yeah I think so....maybe. I don't know. I have not been on a date in a long time...can't really remember the last time I was on a date. Maybe I should text him. (begins texting)
HB: Is the jukebox still free? I'm going to play the entire Jawbreaker album
Assoc. #1: That's a really good idea.

Alright so from this conversation I learned that a hangout and date both consist of time spent. I also learned that what happens after the hangout could define it as a date, lack of communication leaves it in the hangout zone and may also leave the other person in the friend zone or some kind of relationship limbo.

Associate #2, Male. Location: My apartment-
Associate #2: ...Yeah so, what is third base again?
Heartbroker: It's the next stop after 2nd base.
Assoc. #2: Yeah, um.... yeah i think i was there. I hit a triple.
HB: Oh yeah? This is the one chick right? The chick you introduced me to like a month or so ago? I didn't know you two were still seeing each other...
Assoc. #2: Yeah, she was kinda busy with stuff and I was kinda busy with stuff but we were talking pretty regularly, texting and what not.
HB: Gotcha. So you two are dating now?
Assoc. #2: Yeah I think so. I mean I like her and we have plans to hangout Sunday.
HB: Alright but check it: is it a hangout or a date? We had such a cool time, sta-a-a-ying up all night... Remember that Riverdales song? Good album.
Assoc. #2: A date.
HB: How do you figure?
Assoc. #2: 3rd base, man. I mean i guess we were just kind of hanging out but I like her, didn't know how she felt but I think the make out and such makes it a date. Makes it official.
HB: Could just be a friends with benefits kind of thing though...
Assoc. #2: No way. Totally not like that.
HB: Yeah those situations never really seem to go anywhere
Assoc. #2: Yeah, can be a total waste of time.
HB: Can be a complete waste, just stagnate and finally something gives, usually not helping anyone out. Alright, so I think you have a girlfriend.
Assoc. #2: Yeah I do! Wanna go shoot pool?
HB: Yeah dude, I am pretty good at geometry.

And eventually I had to go right to the source. Location: Her place-

Me: Is this a date or a hangout?
Her: This is definitely a date.
Me: Deal.

From this I see that getting physical can turn the hangout into a date. It's tricky though as you kind of have to know the motivation behind the act. During the pool game and due to his excitement about her, I take it that they are or seem to be on the same page so spending time and the whole 3rd base thing means that it was a step forward in the direction of dating or a relationship, time will tell. The rest of the conversations on the subject went pretty much the same way. If people were just hanging out, there was some element of confusion due to lack of communication on one part and if they were dating then it was an agreement based on feelings and there was a commitment made to move forward. Much like the Double Down un-sandwich or Yoo-Hoo, hangouts have the elements that present the potential to be a date or something more, however you need a lot more than just breading or milk substitute to make it solid between two people. Maybe I should have gone with the my whole pizza/ relationship metaphor because of this story. Is it lunchtime yet?

More dating stories posted weekly. Click here to submit yours!

He Certainly Weathered the Storm

I walked over to her place in the blizzard around 7:45, planning to order delivery food and just hang out. When I got there she was shoveling her walk, and we walked inside to her place. She had two dogs, one 15 lbs and one about 30 lbs. The big one was excited and jumpy and wouldn't stop getting in my face when I was sitting down; the other one long haired and wet from the snow and wanted to sit on my lap. She spent about 30 minutes doing random stuff in her place like taking out the garbage, arranging things, and other errand/chore type stuff. She didn't talk to me much during this time. She also spent about 10 minutes on the phone with her friend while I was just sitting on the couch. I finally got her to order pizza from the place down the street. I was hungry. Up until this point she has probably looked me in the eye about 20 seconds so far. She also didn't smile or laugh the entire evening. We spent time organizing her notebook folder of take-out menus by category. For some reason she would not throw out duplicate menus. She also mentioned how she...

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Before You Brainwash My Mind

Posted By on 05.06.10 at 02:50 PM

Citizens of Earth! This is an APB! All Points Bulletin! I interrupt your life momentarily to bring you this:

Leech-like creatures from another planet. They exist, though, the hard part is they assume the form of humans thus making it to hard distinguish one of these creatures from a normal person. Nontraditional in form and habit to the annelids and nocturnal neck biters, they are not out for blood. They instead live to suck the life out and waste the time of the individuals who have the displeasure of crossing their path. They attach themselves to a person (a host) and begin a conversion process which happens in 2 stages. Once the stages are complete and all happiness and life is drained from the human host, the non-earthling will keep the body for physical purposes; they only gutted and stripped the human mentally and emotionally (also referred to as the human soul). When a soul is collected, the being will continue to search for more good to destroy in order to fulfill their lust and conquer more as it continues the quest to exist as miserable as possible. Once all smiles are destroyed, the creature will lay dormant for any length of time, usually holed up in a cell that is quite comparable to any number of apartments in Chicago while surviving on delivery food, feed time is generally nocturnal. Noises are often heard from these cells and one can tell the difference between a cell and a normal human domicile as the cell is extremely messy. The creature prefers to shove problems under the rug instead of dealing with reality which makes for quite the mess. At some point it will grow sick of the self-loathing and late night grease and emerge from the cell to consume more of society's normals without warning.


Once in contact with one of these creatures, the person goes through a conversion process that has 2 stages. During the first stage, the once normal and content human is converted into what is commonly known as a downer. Acquaintances and associates of the once happy individual will notice sharp changes in mood and character within seconds, similar to Jakal and Hyde. Those in the real world will also wonder why the downer requires more than the average hours of sleep during daylight hours, and normal citizens will also be subjected to a high amount of poor excuses and lies, commonly known as bullshit, for the downer has a hard time admitting that he or she has been infected by a nonhuman entity and actually fell for the charm of this species. It is easy to be taken over by these creatures as they have immense knowledge of common human thought and desire. The second part of the conversion is what we on Earth hope to prevent. Stage 2 is when the downer has been transformed into the living dead. They are now a victim of love. Physically they are still able to walk the sidewalks, ride the buses and el, rent and buy homes in all neighborhoods, work, and exist amongst those in regular society. Once the person has joined the ranks of the living dead, or collected souls, they spend the rest of their days wearing blank stares, consumed in thought, and riddled with questions regarding why and how they so freely gave their happiness and life away to a creature that was not deserving. At this point in the conversion, infection has reached the brain so the mental capacity that regular people often take for granted is no longer functioning. Meanwhile, the living dead now severely bum out everyone they come in contact with on a daily basis in what scientists think may be an attempt to preform a mass downer, or Stage 1, conversion.

Combat Against the Eternally Discontent:

We believe the eternally discontent come from the planet No Fun. Information on the habits and life of the Fun Sucker (scientific name for the inhabitants of planet No Fun) is vast as America does have the best minds, top researchers, and expert scientists in the field collecting data which they pass along to the general populous. We have also been informed that the creature often associates erections with love. Although a lot is known about the life of the creature, there is little knowledge about what exactly happened or happens on the planet No Fun, but it is apparent that the planet is in fact no fun and those from the planet love to suck. In past battles, humans have been victorious when using wooden stakes, gamma and heat ray guns, proton packs, and preforming exorcisms but remember, this is a nontraditional being and although we do know they thrive on wasting others time and life, we are still not clear on their motivation for doing so. The only weapon that can be used effectively in order to win the battle against these creatures is the human brain. We do see a pattern in the behavior of the being in which the human brain is attacked and reprogrammed first so the only thing a human can do for defense is keep thinking and recognize the species before it strikes. By using the brain, a person can see through the false charm and realize the true motivation of the creature. They can then deny the creature gratification and validation rendering it helpless in it's pursuit of unhappiness. The person can then move on and tell the tale of their encounter with the alien being while commonly referring to it as: douche bag, psycho, creep, asshole, basket case, bed wetter, whack job, and she's like that girl, you know that one...the one from the Lifetime movie.

More dating stories posted weekly. Click here to submit yours!

You Don't Need X-Ray Glasses To See What's Going On Here:

Okay you asked for it. I arrived at the restaurant first and when I see what is obviously him walking towards me, I think, first OMG! and then second, why isn't he married? He was gorgeous. All tall and lanky and Armani suit with a Hermes tie and a 100 watt smile. Utterly adorable. He orders wine and he orders the souffle so it will be ready for dessert and I mean we hit it off mega big time! We become an item, together, the envy of all of my friends. Except for some crazy jealousy on his part: keeping me up all night grilling me about do I still have a single state of mind or not? And how many men have I slept with in my life? And then running out of my brother's roommate from Yale who is in town for a Yale reunion and staying in my guestroom because he mentioned something my man thought was disrespectful...

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