Friday, April 23, 2010

I'm Like "Huh" and She's All "Hey"

Posted By on 04.23.10 at 12:32 PM

How many times can she bat those eyes? Really, the answer won't change. Reason being there has been one too many times where the little me has tapped the real me on the shoulder and has said "dude, can we please leave?" Normally I can tell him to just chill out and wait a minute but then he reminds me of all the times he so patiently waited with wide eyes and repeatedly tugged on my ear and stomped on my shoulder while chanting "let's go! let's go! let's go!" Although I know the little me is always correct, I still defy him and stay right there looking at the soon to be ex-girlfriend with an expression comparable to if I just saw a ghost. Weird thing is I usually just remember something that would have helped me out a long time ago like the Pythagorean Theorem must work in any 90 degree triangle and then I just start adding up all the time I have wasted with the girl in front of me. I continue to stare and calculate until she asks what's wrong or if I am alright. Given the the expression on my face and thoughts on a theory that would have really helped me in 10th grade along with my new itemized list of reasons why I should have walked out the door long ago, all I can really say is something along the lines of I'm totally fine. That is right when the little me, the one that usually lays dormant in my head but is now tap dancing on my shoulder, says "alright, good. She thinks everything is alright. Now, text one of your friends and tell them to call you, grab your jacket, and get out of this quick" which is what happens next. If that isn't what happens, the little me jumps back in my head and hits the panic button causing all filtering of internal dialogue to cease. What comes out of my mouth is unedited. The button is hit so there is nothing to do now, we are past the point of no return. My thoughts and pieces of my brain fire out of my mouth and wind up all over her living room. It's messy but it is all out so I can't help but feel relieved. All that is left to do is explain that if I did like her, even as a friend, I would not have had to keep all these thoughts inside. See, it wouldn't work out. Of course then I explain the little me that lives in my head and how I have told him to shut up for far too long even though I knew he was right which causes her to stare at me with that 'I just saw a ghost' look on her face. Next and final step is apologize for dropping my brain all over her living room, assure her that everything will be fine, I hold no hard feelings towards her, and let her know I have no problem assuming all responsibilities for the relationship. I mean, I am going to chalk up the time spent as a waste so the least I can do is agree with her friends the next time I see them and own up to whatever she feels like telling them. By that point I have already moved on as the decision to evacuate was made some time before I came out with all thoughts and real views on all things us. Plus I am never hurt by these break-ups. It just didn't work and there were enough warning signs throughout the relationship to see that but I have a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. Most times it works out but every so often it doesn't and that is what leads me to clear my head of any thoughts and all things her. It's way easier to deal with these endings: I feel like a prick for about 10 minutes but then I am feeling fine by the eleventh minute so I shrug, make my way home and listen to Mr. T Experience. By about the 7th song the whole thing is a joke of a story, one I will be telling by week's end to those who ask about whats-her-face and while telling the tale of the last girl, I am reminded again how it wouldn't work out future-wise. I am talking to friends, which equals comfort, so the story goes detail by little detail. No need to leave anything out or edit because these are the people I do have a future with and care about. Something happened along the way with the female lead in the story which caused me to stop and think before saying what I wanted to. I wound up walking on egg shells and eventually not saying a word which caused her to ask what is wrong and then she hears exactly what is wrong: her and all these instances where I am wondering who the hell she is and it hit me that all the instances can be strung together and the end result is a person who I don't like. Then I ask myself what the hell I am doing here? The answer: nothing worth anyone's time so say goodbye to whats-her-face (maybe see if she is down for a high five considering the effort spent on us). Sucks, I know, but I am sure there are a lot of people that would love to solve the mystery of her so I need to leave, let them give it a go, and pursue a girl that is comfortable. And that would be the most important part of any relationship, you are completely and entirely comfortable with the other person. Comfort means the brain can go back to it's normal state. It is almost impossible to exist otherwise.

Examples of internal dialogue. I will be playing the role of What I Said, the little me will be playing My Thought, and the role of the Girl (yeah, they all relate to those chicks now) will be played by a host of ex's, not one specific as none of them have called me back when I offered them the role in this blog entry...

On Love:
Girl: I really really like you
My Thought: You barely barely know me, it's been 3 days
What I Said: Yeah I really really like you too
My Thought: It's been 3 days!

On Pop Culture:
Girl: I love this show!
My Thought: The premise of this show is 5 ex-strippers, an open liquor cabinet, and a guy going through a mid-life crisis...and you love it
What I Said: (blank stare) Is there beer in the fridge?
My Thought: And maybe some whiskey for me. Don't forget about me, I am the one who is working overtime here and something tells me it will not be worth it.
What I Said: Maybe like a shot, too. Beer and a shot. You wanna do a shot?

On Us:
Girl: I can't stop thinking about you.
My Thought: She is on vacation. Is this touching? No, touching would feel good. Instead, I need to think of a polite way to relay the message that she needs a life. Are we thinking about her? Well, guess so but thinking about what is wrong with her as opposed to the usual hold hands and make out thing.
What I Said: Yeah, yeah I think about you too. Sometimes non-stop...
My Thought: Way to go. You might want to add that it's non-stop thinking about what kind of mental condition she has. Suggest professional help but don't be a dick
What I Said: ...like sometimes I have dreams but not like sex just talking to you. So, how are you?
My Thought: You are an idiot. Just shut up
Girl: Aww, that's sweet. I'm goooood
What I said: (blank stare)

On Sex:
Girl: You're sexy.
My Thought: You're drunk.
What I Said: Thank you...yeah, you too. You're sexy.
My Thought: Way to lay it on thick there buddy. You are dumb if you think she bought it. Oh wait, shit she is smiling. Fuck dude, she did! You need to leave this chick tomorrow. This whole thing is starting to make me feel sick and if I'm sick then you're screwed. We work so well together, help me help you.
What I Said: Totally sexy.
My Thought: Totally screwed.

On Spirituality
Girl: I hate my ex. Do you believe in Karma?
My Thought: Fuck! Does she have a Magic 8 Ball? I need to ask it a few things
What I Said: Is that ceramic Buddha from Z Gallery? The one by the television right by your crucifix.
My Thought: She kind has a whole religious round table discussion thing in the way of figurines and such over in that corner. Thoughts on luck maybe? You do have some books on religion and Buddhism so maybe let her borrow those. No don't do that, we need to leave not stay.

On General Well-Being:
Girl: Have you ever wanted to just leave, like just go somewhere else?
My Thought: You mean like me leave your life? Yes. Tell her if she is thinking leaving Chicago that she should do it! Tell her! Tell her!
What I Said: Well you know, winter can be rough so you know, if you are going to...actually it's only like 5-6 weeks of bad weather. Yeah, no I am good here.
My Thought: You could be a lot better here, brother.

On Perception:
Girl: You are really sweet.
My Thought: How about normal. Normal is good and compliments make me feel weird.
What I Said: Thanks. It's my parents fault. You are pretty sweet yourself.
My Thought: She is sweet? Alright, you are in trouble because she is not that sweet. We need to talk...now!

On Work:
Girl: I HATE my job. If you could do anything, what would it be?
What I Said: (zoned out) Go to Kuma's and get a burger. I'm pretty hungry and haven't been there in a while.
My Thought: Yeah! Finally you are talking some sense!
Girl: What? No, I mean for a job.
What I Said: Oh, yeah I like my job a lot. I wouldn't change anything, work or outside of work. Yeah, I am pretty alright.
My Thought: There is one thing you could change. Hint: she is sitting right next to you.
What I Said: There is one thing I would like to change...
Girl: What?
What I Said: Huh?
My Thought: Finally! We are back together working on this. I missed you man!
What I Said: (whispering) I missed you too man.
Girl: I would like to be a professional shopper.
What I Said: (very long blank stare) Like a trophy wife? Wait, you get paid to hang out at the Gap? I think I am going to go to Kuma's...

Upon Ending It:
Girl: I hate you and you are a horrible person!
My Thought: Been called so much worse by so much better. Alright, act hurt. You still have a transfer on your card so make this quick, walking to el stop takes way too long from her place and the next bus will be here soon.
Spoken: Yeah, probably. Anyway, I gotta go.

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Black and White and Red (Flags) All Over:

The night began at around 6:30 when normal people eat food for dinner. It turned out my date was trying to put me on a liquid diet, so we just ordered drinks. After a couple drinks, he kept asking what his $20 tab was so i said, "do you want me to get the next round?" and he was all "sure!" (fail). After I would say things about my parents in Tucson, he kept saying things like "oh so you come from money?" I should have said, "Yo! I gotta get home and count my stacks of money!" but instead I relayed my childhood I-don't-come-from-money stories about how my sister and I would sled on a car hood while our dad caulked the hole in my soccer ball. Then he asked..

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Goodbye To My First Kiss

Posted By on 04.16.10 at 11:47 AM

What exactly was I thinking last night? What was she thinking last night? Hmmm. I could wait around or wake her up and get an answer but I think the best thing to do would be grab my shirt and get started on the walk of shame. It's early enough so I will beat the other mistake makers from last night and avoid sidewalk traffic which is good because I feel a lot of head scratching will be taking place on this walk. Alright, grab my shirt (where the hell is it!?) and check to see if she has Pop-Tarts. Why does the girl always has a box or two of Pop-Tarts in her cupboard? Oh wait, there were those instances where I had a Fruit Roll-Up or a granola bar for breakfast, but a reserve box of Pop-Tarts is good form. Pop-Tart in hand and shirt on, I head for the door and stroll to my apartment. It's the same path I have taken a million times to get home but it looks different. It's early, the Night of the Living Dead parade has yet to flood the streets and this blueberry Pop-Tart is really hitting the spot. Last stop is CVS and next stop is the couch. Mindless television, homework, dinner and meet up with friends to share my adventure from the previous night, proceed to kick myself a few times, shake it off, and get on with the night. A new night with the possibility of all kinds of new mistakes, however, I think the next time I wake up with the next Miss What's-Her-Face (I swear I know her from somewhere) will be a long time from now, 'long time' being relative. Maybe I should call that girl from last night tomorrow? Nah.

That was spring of my sophomore year. I remember because the walk through campus that morning was really nice. It was the first warm weekend but the kind warm where you know it's not a fluke. Flowers were blooming, teachers were heading to offices, bums were waking up on benches, a few people jogging. A really nice spring morning. The best thing was the quiet. It was kind of rare considering there were 50,000 undergrads which is why I always liked to avoid the other shame walkers on Saturday mornings. Things could get crowded quickly and worst of all, I would have to hear girls talk on their cell phones explaining how much they regret last night while also hearing guys brag (and most likely fabricate) what they did last night. It's a pretty bad scene. Those nights and mornings always made me feel out of it. Shame mixed with a bit of surprise and a hint of satisfaction. Too much for me to really think over something that will go nowhere so I am left just shrugging and moving on. I did make a point to just stop the random hook-ups my senior year mostly because I had other things to think about and also because I just decided it's not for me. I gave it an honest try and it didn't take. It does work for some people, but I am just not the Larry Dallas type. I have friends who can't wait to tell me about what guy or girl they took home the other night. I will say that girls do have better stories when it comes to this. They really don't hold anything back and stick to the point where as the guys tend to get that James Frey vision where yeah, I am not doubting it happened but I am really doubting that it happened on your fire escape that is right by the police station which is behind your house and two cops were watching you. From a guy that has found himself in some strange situations (she did have lovely bondage equipment) I have to say yeah, I'm sure it happened but come on. Still, they are good stories. I can't say that I haven't had any strange and confusing make out sessions though:

I had been in Chicago maybe a good four months by this point. It was right around Halloween and I was watching the last of the Tigers playoff games with a friend at Sports Corner. The place was pretty crowded because of Halloween and on top of that, it's Wrigleyville on a weekend. My friend was going on about the Tigers as if this is the first I had heard about him and his family being die hard Detroit fans. Anyway, I decided I did not want to hear all the reasons (for the billionth time) about why they love the Tigers so I instead decide to go buy a round from the bar. When I stood and turned this girl who had been dancing with some friends behind our table was coming right at me. I extend my right hand and caught her right hand. Then I did this dance spin (I took three phys. ed dance classes in college. Such a well-rounded education) where our arms go up, she goes under, completes a full spin, and I continue walking in the direction of the bar (no spin needed on my part). Now she is right where I was standing and holding our table with my friend looking at her. They exchange pleasantries while I am en route to the bar. And she is still standing there. Alright, I will buy her a beer. I go back to the table and wind up talking to her for a while. She seems alright, nice enough, good looking. She invites me to a party but I decline the invite and get her number instead. Side note: In 2006 sports news, the Tigers blew it and I had the pleasure of saying 'told you they suck!' for a year.

So that Wednesday I get a call from the girl and we make plans to go out on Saturday. We went to dinner and then wound up at some bar in Wrigleyville because one of her friends was having a party. It was one of those $10 wrist bands all you can drink deals. Well, at the end of the party I find myself doing some serious making out while we wait for a cab. We make it back to her place and I am rounding second base on her couch but I stop: I really need to use her bathroom. It was the 10 bucks all you can drink party and I had really been putting the bathroom on hold on account of the make out. I have never been to her place and the only light on is the lamp in the living room. Her directions to the bathroom were pretty vague; I asked and she pointed. I make my way in the dark and find the bathroom. I remember saying "hurry, hurry, hurry" as this visit was taking a longer than usual. Finally I finish, wash my hands and make my way through the darkness back to the living room but this time the lamp is off. I'm not even sure she's still in the living room so I start looking around but then I notice a silhouette on the couch. She didn't leave. Good thing the shades are up and the street light is on. I sit down and the make out continues. This time I notice her hair feels different and so do her lips. Maybe I was distracted before but I could have sworn her hair didn't feel this thick and her lips moved differently while kissing. I figure I must be really tired and tell her that I should probably head out but of course I'll call this week. She cocked her head a bit which struck me as odd but it's dark so I can't really see any expression. On the train ride home I was looking at my hands and thinking. Straight and thin, right? Curly and thick? Maybe it was straight and thick? It did snow tonight so her hair could react to moisture and get kind of curly, right? I don't know but the whole thing just kept bugging me. The following Tuesday I sent her a text asking if she wanted to hang out but more importantly, so I could get to the bottom of this. A minute later I get a call from her and the conversation went like this:

Heartbroker: "Hey, what's up? How are you?"
Her: "I'm fine."
HB: "That's cool. Hey, do you wanna hang out this weekend?"
Her: "Did you make out with my roommate?"
HB: "Isn't your cousin your roommate?"
Her: "Yes! And you made out with her!"
HB: "I made out with your cousin!? Oh, that totally explains a lot. Seriously, I feel a sense of relief right now."
Her: "What? What does it explain?"
HB: "Oh nothing. I just noticed that your hair got really thick all of a sudden and your lips were kind of different but duh, it was your cousin on the couch when I got out of the bathroom. I thought maybe you do something weird to your hair before bed, or like moisture and the weather..."
Her: "Yeah...I was in bed waiting for you!"
HB: "That was your cousin?"
Her: "I can't believe you did that!"
HB: "Huh? First off it was dark and I have no clue where your bedroom is located and second, I can't believe your cousin just makes out with guys that sit next to her on the couch, no questions asked. You know, stranger in your living room and she just makes out. That's just really...."
Her: "You're an asshole!"
HB: "I'm really sorry but it is kinda funny, you know. I mean it's like, I don't know, pretty funny. Like if we were on Judge Joe Brown explaining this I think..."
Her: "I can't believe you did that!"
HB: "Oh man, that was totally your cousin! Wow! I thought it wasn't you but didn't know for sure. Really, it has been bugging me since I left on Saturday."
Her: "Yeah, well she just told me about it yesterday and you never called me!"
HB: "Well, I mean I have been busy trying to solve this mystery but case closed. Plus I had band practice and was busy with a few things so I figured I would call today. Anyway, you busy tonight?"
Her: "You're an asshole!"
HB: "Oh come on, how was I supposed to know? This weekend maybe... hey, hello? You there...."

More dating stories posted weekly. Click here to submit yours!

The Past is History and We All Have History:

First off, let me start out by saying this is one of those shameful hookups for which I am totally grossed out about. This happened about four years ago. That was the very last time I did anything like that. I met this guy on Craigslist and had a one night stand...

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