Dating Naked needs to put its goddamned clothes on and go | Bleader

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Dating Naked needs to put its goddamned clothes on and go

Posted By on 07.22.14 at 04:20 PM

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Naked people on an date
  • VH1
  • Naked people on a date
Back when I was dating, there was always one thing that kept getting in the way of my meeting and forming meaningful bonds with prospective long-term mates: clothes.

I mean, how can you really know a person unless you've gotten a good long look at his naked body—and vice versa—upon first meeting? What secrets could lie beneath those hateful rags?! We've all attempted to expose our emotional selves to people, sometimes successfully, oftentimes not. Technically, it's a lot easier to just pull down your pants and expose your genitals. And why not do it on television to prove you mean business?

None of this occurred to me (or anyone) until the premiere of Dating Naked, a horrifying new VH1 dating show that takes taste and logic by storm. Two ill-matched singles are transported to a tropical locale and instructed by a poorly greased tin woman of a host to disrobe so they can go on a date. Then four more singles arrive and disrobe to go on another pair of dates with the two original naked people. Then the original two choose which person they'd like to go on another date with in the real world, presumably with clothes on because, don't be confused, these aren't nudists, they're just people with inhibitions that have been diminished by the insatiable desire to be on TV but who didn't make the cut for the Bachelor franchise. (This show makes that trash heap—which I happen to cover for another publication—look like the Buckingham Palace of trash heaps.)

On the premiere episode we meet Joe and Wee Wee, real name Christina, "but everyone calls me Wee Wee." Yeah, but your pubic region is exposed at the moment, so how about we just go with Christina? Apart from the fact that being naked is making them horribly uncomfortable—they stand a good five feet apart for several minutes into their date meeting—the two kind of hit it off, mostly over dinner, when they're permitted to wear clothes. But, hmm. Is Joe—a muscled 24-year-old guido who wears hair gel and strong cologne and has lots of tattoos written in cursive—maybe a little out of Wee Wee's league in VH1 world? See, not only is Wee Wee 36 and disposed to talking about her biological clock, she's built like a normal woman with bumps and dimples and things. To drive this home, the next woman who's brought in for Joe to date, Jasmine, is more like a cyborg built for sex. She's been programmed to believe her looks give her complete power over men. She sizes up Wee Wee and decides the older woman is no threat. What a villain!

The show wouldn't be a complete piece of garbage without a happy ending: Joe picks Wee Wee because Jasmine is "not the kind of woman you bring home to mom" and Wee Wee has a better personality. Don't you feel good about this, women watching at home? We'll all find love yet, even if our boobs aren't orbs that sit just below our chins and our jeans leave creases in our guts.

The nudity gimmick is taken as far as it can go in good taste (just kidding). Each date involves an activity that is not made for nudity, like bird watching in nothing but sneakers and pith helmets or rolling around in one of those giant inflatable gerbil balls while everything flops hither and thither, which I imagine makes the job of blurring out NSFTV body parts a real bitch for the editors. The only people who have it worse than the boobs-and-crotch blurrers (butt cracks are A-OK, by the way) are the people who'll watch this show in the future. Seriously, this is more of a public service announcement than a review. Even if you like bad TV, don't do this.

Dating Naked, VH1, Thursdays at 8 PM

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