Ten things that would make Internet text "cool" again | Bleader

Friday, October 12, 2012

Ten things that would make Internet text "cool" again

Posted By on 10.12.12 at 06:00 PM

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HTML, or HyperText Markup Language. It's the greatest, mostly because it's the language for displaying web pages (it's the stuff that makes things underlined and bold, for example!), but also because...

nerd alert!!

...on HTML, you can make really fun stuff happen, things the Web no longer considers useful because they're just dumb gimmicks, things like < blink > (N.B. may not work on Chrome. :/ ) and: the insanely retro < marquee > thingamajig, which probably has your mind echoing with Spice Girls and Michael Jordan's giant tongue and "I did not have sex with that woman... ... ...Ms. Lewinsky" and other super 90s stuff.

Sadly, web browsers are phasing these HTML elements out because apparently they're, like, biiig mistakes—some dude called < blink > "simply evil," hurtfully—and I actually had to borrow a script from Wikipedia so Safari and Internet Explorer users can see the blinking. But let's imagine a world where web developers were STILL FUN. What would be some other cool HTML elements they could make?

Element: < melt >
What it does: Makes text melt to the bottom of the screen, where it gathers in a little pool until it evaporates, condenses into a cloud, then rains the word back into existence, only to repeat the cycle again and again.
When to use it: Like if it's a really hot day or something and you want to cool off but you can't, or if a girl totally rejects you and you feel bad.

Element: < deflate >
What it does: The text just sort of just goes plop, and little puffs of air come out the sides.
When to use it: Something sorta surprising just happened, or if a girl totally rejects you and you feel bad.

Element: < hearts >
What it does: All of the letters turn into hearts, which float around the screen for a while kind of vapidly, bumping into one another but not hard, because these bird-hearts are made of the softest down, and then they get tired and reform the word, panting for a second, but then they fly off again.
When to use it: Basically only if a guy makes you feel like a million bucks, or for kitten photos.

Element: < 3D!! >
What it does: The text comes at you, getting really really big, until it fills the whole screen! Whoa, man! Then it disappears and you can see everything again, including the little speck that starts to get bigger, getting really really big, until it fills the whole screen! Whoa etc.
When to use it: Big news. Amirite?

Element: < ninja sword >
What it does: Flash! Something ran through the words you've selected. What was it? What happened? Is everyone okay? For a second, it's not clear. Then, the top half of the words starts sliding off the lower half on a little incline. They've been cut in twain. What a tragic loss of life and a terrifying thing to behold. Never again will you gainsay the great power of the ninjitsu.
When to use it: You're not fucking around with this shit right here.

Element: < fainting goats >
What it does: This, in text form?
fainting goats!!
When to use it: When would you not use this?

Element: < viral >
What it does: The text wraps into one of those little space ship-looking virus shapes you learned about in high school, which travels to another word or phrase and latches onto it, making it go green and eventually < deflate >, but permanently. Then the virus word re-forms and latches onto another word or phrase, until the whole page is blank. You probably should have washed your hands, like your mother has always told you.
When to use it: When you want to talk about something going viral, because it's so annoying when people talk about things going viral.

Element: < drops mic >
What it does: A hoodie sprouts from the text, and so does an arm, and the arm is holding a microphone. The text gets into some real serious rapping, a la Eminem in 8 Mile—or at least it looks like it does; text is silent, silly—and then it finishes and sticks its arm out and drops the mic, before walking off.
When to use it: When you just won your argument, or want to fool someone into thinking you did.

Element: < drunk texting >
What it does: "Hey, it was really great seeing you last night" --> "omg whi where u soooo annoyingg yeterda like omfg get b life or someting haha k bye"
When to use it: For burning bridges, making enemies, making frenemies, creating unintended but lasting impressions, or when "ugh i just don't give a f n e more."

Element: < blink marquee >
What it does: "Shows, doesn't tell."
When to use it: This will always be the best.

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