Monday, August 20, 2012

Todd Akin, thanks for your reflections

Posted By on 08.20.12 at 03:35 PM

Famous Rubens painting of protected sex
  • Famous Rubens painting of protected sex
The candidate was rethinking his position on rape.

"When I was but a boy," he confided to a trusted aide, "my daddy used to say, 'If rape is inevitable, lie back and enjoy it.' I always thought that was pretty much the last word on the subject, and over the years it's a philosophy that's served our party well. But now I'm not so sure. This Akin fellow in Missouri has put together some impressive medical research."

"Apparently enjoying it gets you knocked up," said the aide.

"It turns out those feelings of terror and humiliation are God’s way of stepping in with a prophylactic," said the candidate.

"The Lord has his ways," said the aide.

"Yesiree. He's provided the ladies with a bright side to legitimate rape that's been entirely overlooked up till now. And of course in the case of illegitimate rape, the bright side is that much brighter."

"I catch your drift," said the aide.

But he didn't. The candidate was completely serious. It was a tricky issue and he was thinking it through.

"Here's the problem," he mused. "I'm not so sure 'Don’t enjoy it' is the message the fair women of our state want to hear from their next senator. Whatever happened to the proud American tradition of turning lemons into lemonade?"

"That socialist crowd running Washington doesn't want anybody drinking lemonade that isn't dispensed by a federal lemonade stand," the aide muttered. "That’s why we call it 'Obamaade.'"

"We do?" said the candidate.

"It hasn't spread like wildfire, but give it time."

"What's the Democrats' position on rape?" the candidate wondered.

"They barely talk about it," said the aide.

The candidate shook his head in disgust. "And they call themselves a serious party!"

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