Hold the mayo and repurpose it | Bleader

Friday, July 6, 2012

Hold the mayo and repurpose it

Posted By on 07.06.12 at 10:10 AM

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Gross, just look at it
  • Cyclonebill via Wikimedia Commons
  • Gross, just look at it
In honor of summer and backyards, I've been hanging around a lot of barbecues as of late. Most have been obscenely sweaty affairs, filled with yellowed pit stains and glazed-over looks of exhaustion and defeat. But like any good American, you suffer through the rising temperatures, drink a can of Budweiser, and wait for your burger. Do you think old George Washington was going to disperse his army during the brutal winter months at Valley Forge? Was there ever any doubt that Mel Gibson would avenge Heath Ledger's death in The Patriot, bayonet-through-the-neck style? Certainly not! Consider the sacrifices of your founding fathers, for Christ's sake.

Of course with any good barbecue comes a deep roll call of condiments and a host of "salads"—chicken salad, potato salad, pasta salad, etc—prepared by invited guests, bless their hearts. Unfortunately for the salads, however, many contain the highly questionable, creamy white substance congealed from egg yolks, oil, salt, and vinegar.

Mayo—slang for "mayonnaise"—is the condiment most bent on ruining burgers and barbecue-appropriate dishes. It attaches itself to seemingly fresh, wholesome dishes, full of flavor and color, and sucks the edibleness right out through a combo of oily, eggy consistency and being fucking gross to look at (please view the photo on the left as evidence). I can think of few things more objectionable than spooning a gelatinous heap of potato salad that's been baking in 100-degree heat onto a Styrofoam plate, eating it, and then chasing it with a PBR. I don't hate the ingredients in mayonnaise. I just hate what they become when combined. It's not unlike how I feel toward the Miami Heat.

Fortunately, you no longer have to kill a party by adding mayonnaise. There are several ways to utilize the remainder of your jar of Hellman's before never buying or ingesting it again for the rest or your life. One well-known use is as a hair conditioner, though I can't say I recommend it. Yes, if left in the hair for a handful of minutes before rinsing, the oils of the mayo will both soften and make it shine. But slathering mayonnaise in your hair is really only a couple of steps from living in a pile of trash. Below are a few other ideas skimmed from Apartment Therapy and Wisegeek:

• Remove water stains from wood surfaces by spreading a dollop of mayo over the stain, pressing down lightly with a paper towel, and letting sit for 15 minutes or so

• Get rid of bumper stickers and other sticker residue by applying mayo to shed away the remainder of the glue (I generally use lighter fluid to accomplish a similar task, which you should also not ingest)

• Polish piano keys by buffing some mayo in, letting it sit for five minutes, and wiping off with a damp cloth

• Apply mayo as a facial cleanser to help remove blemishes and moisturize dry skin (please refer to my thoughts on using it as a hair conditioner)

• Shine up plant leaves by rubbing mayo into them, and impress guests with your overly ambitious and way-too-obsessive housekeeping skills

• Apply a bit of cooled mayo to a sunburn for both pain relief and a welcome dose of moisture to the fried skin

Mayonnaise is also a well-touted home remedy of head lice because the oil in the mayo can smother and suffocate the lice. So, you can either spread it on a turkey sandwich or use it to kill bloodthirsty insects burrowing into your scalp.

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