Happy news for Mr. Mayor from the Reader | Bleader

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Happy news for Mr. Mayor from the Reader

Posted By on 02.29.12 at 06:08 PM

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In the spirit of the changes sweeping the Reader, I want to say something nice about Mayor Emanuel.

I think we'll all agree that I've been far too critical of him over the last few months.

Well, actually, I won't agree to that. Probably most readers won't agree to that either. But I'm sure we'll all agree that Mayor Emanuel will agree to that.

Anyway, time for a change!

Like with the Reader. I see you—new web page design and all.

Shout out to all those editors and designers who stayed up so late working on it, especially the web czar, Tal Rosenberg, who's been subsisting on little more than reds and vitamin C for the last few months.

Back to Mayor Emanuel . . .

It's not so easy for me to say something nice about Mayor Emanuel. One side of me—the go-along-to-get-along Ben—tries to say nice things. But then the bad Ben—who doesn't get enough sleep and drinks too much chocolate milk—turns it into something not so nice.

But I'm working on this.

So, let me try again. What can I say that's nice about the mayor?

Hmmm . . .

I know! Apparently, he helped facilitate the deal that will close two coal-burning plants in Pilsen and Little Village that, as the Sun-Times puts it, "belch out lung-damaging pollution."

Sounds good to me. I'm going to say something nice about Mayor Emanuel for that.

So, here we go. Coming right up. Yes, sir. Just getting ready. Gonna clear my throat. Any time now. Let me just do a few yoga stretches. Speaking of which—how about that article in the New York Times about sex and yoga? Those horny bastards . . .

Stop procrastinating—say something nice!

OK, you're right. Something nice about Mayor Rahm. Here goes . . .

Thank you, Mr. Mayor—you Scott Walker-wannabe, union-busting, teacher-hating, closet Republican . . .

No. That's not nice.

OK, sorry. Try this . . .

Nice job, Mr. Mayor, though you probably exaggerated whatever role you had in closing the plants, like it wouldn't have happened without you. Which is what you usually do. Speaking of which—stop sending out press releases every time any old company comes to town. Like every new Subway is there because of you. No one in the press is falling for it. Not even David Brooks. Well, maybe David Brooks. But no one else . . .

Noooo. That's not nice. That's even worse than what you said before.

OK, OK. Here goes . . .

Thank you, Mayor Rahm. Though if you're such a big shot how come we have to wait another two years for the plant in Little Village to shut down.

Stop. No qualifications. Just an unequivocal piece of niceness.

All right. Thank you, Mzxtwzzz . . .

What's that? Speak up. Stop mumbling . . .

OK. Thank you, Mr. Mayor for helping shut down the coal-burning plants.

Very good.

Thanks. Now, about my property tax bill . . .

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