Have I ever loved Republicans? Why, sure I have! | Bleader

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Have I ever loved Republicans? Why, sure I have!

Posted By on 01.05.12 at 04:00 PM

Honest Abe
  • Library of Congress/Wikimedia Commons
  • Honest Abe
I'd like to clear up a misconception left over from my last post—you know, the one about President Nixon.

I do not—repeat, do not—hate all Republicans, as a few readers have alleged.

Oh my God, that is, like, soooo not true.

As a matter of fact, there is not enough space on this whole Internet for me to list all of the Republicans I love. And to prove my point, I will take some time to identify a small sampling of that list.

So here goes . . .

Get ready . . .

Coming right up . . .

Just give me a minute to sort through all the names. . .

Starting with . . .

Abraham Lincoln! Though, now that I think about it, he'd probably be a Democrat if he were alive today. At least, he certainly would have been clobbered in Tuesday's Iowa caucus, on account of that whole state's right thing.

And then there's, ugh, uhm, oh . . .

Illinois's very own Senator Charles Percy—may he rest in peace. I actually voted for him back in 1978!

Though, he would have probably come in last in Iowa, splitting the state's 745 left-of-Generalissimo Francisco Franco voters that Jon Huntsman got.

On the local front, there's Alderman John Hoellen—a great City Council maverick. We sure could use one of his kind today.

Speaking of mavericks . . .

As politically incorrect as this may seem—I've always had a soft spot in my heart for former County Board commissioner Tony Peraica, even if he did go AWOL on that long-ago TIF vote that only I remember.

That's the one where the county board was gearing up to put the TIF-tax-take on your property tax bill, so you would know how much of your tax the TIFs were taking.

As opposed to our current tax bill, which conveniently lies and tells you that the TIFs take nothing, so you're fooled into thinking a lot more of your tax dollars goes to stuff like parks and education than is actually the case.

Of course, Forrest Claypool—the saint of the north lakefront—was also AWOL on that vote. So you might say that when it comes to local politics there's not a dime's worth of difference between Republicans and Democrats.

To quote George Wallace. Now there's a politician who would have done really well in the Iowa caucus.

But back to my list . . .

There's the great Sammy Davis Jr.—by far the most talented of the Rat Pack. (Don't even bother writing in, Sinatra fans—you know it's true.)

And while we're on the subject . . .

I think that everyone—Republicans and Democrats alike—will agree that Don Rickles's routine at the Sammy Davis Jr. roast is one of those great comic bits that stands the test of time.

Hold it, hold it—got to listen to that bit one more time! Oh my goodness, is that shit funny. I don't know if Rickles is a Republican, but if he is, put him on the list.

And, ugh, well, that just about does it for the moment.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait . . .

There's Rickie!

Who's Rickie? He's this super nice guy who bowls on the High Rollers. As you might suspect from the subtle play on words in his team's name, Rickie falls within the category of Republicans who—oh, how to put this?—enjoys a taste of cannabis from time to time.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Apparently, these reefer-head Republicans subscribe to the view that there's nothing wrong with our drug laws so long as only black people get arrested for breaking them.

Which is a view shared by many reefer-head Democrats. Well, at least the white ones. Black reefer-head Democrats have a different opinion, especially the ones getting busted.

Not sure how black reefer-head Republicans feel about this. Remind me to ask Herman Cain the next time he's in town. Not that he's a reefer head . . .

Well, anyway, there are many more Republicans I could add to this list, but my wife's calling. Gotta go to dinner. I'll get back to you later.

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