Friday, September 9, 2011

Pay-by-play

Posted By on 09.09.11 at 12:26 PM

Another Sales pitch
The White Sox won a thriller last week, and I heard it on the radio. The key inning was either the Fifth Third inning or the 5-Hour Energy fifth, I can't recall for sure—I think it was before the Beggar's Pizza eighth, because the Binny's Beverage Depot Attendance hadn't yet been announced.

I knew the Sox were about to score. The Mercy Hospital heart-of-the-order was up, and the opposing pitcher was only throwing 85 mph on the Xfinity-Comcast radar gun. After a Waste Management walk and a Pit Crew Barbeque Sauce fielder's choice, the Sox took the lead on a Lowe's double, and then a Community Hospital homer gave them two Safeco insurance runs, and forced an Orland Park BMW pitching change.

Ed Farmer said he owed me a station ID. "That's OK, you can keep it," I told my radio.

If you listen keenly to a baseball broadcast these days, you can sometimes pick up a moment of genuine baseball action amid the jingles the announcers read every time bat meets ball, and often when it doesn't. No matter how many pitches the starters throw, it won't equal the number the poor adcasters must deliver.

Even collisions are sponsored in Sox games—by Gerber Collision & Glass, which, as Farmer's sidekick, Darrin Jackson, says, comes "highly wreck—ommended." That's right—if Alex Rios and Juan Pierre slam into each other at full speed, don't fret: one or both may end up in the hospital, but at least Gerber will get some notice.

Potential broadcast sponsor
  • theimpulsivebuy
  • Potential broadcast sponsor
Although most plays already are sponsored, a few possibilities remain untapped. And given the need to pay for another three slugging years from Adam Dunn, expect them to be tapped soon. Next season we may be hearing this:

"Boy, what a game, Ed."

"That's right, Darrin, and it all comes down to this at bat. The Sox are up by a run with two outs in the last of the ninth here in Yankee Stadium. Tying run on first, and Chris Sale facing Alex Rodriguez. Sale looks in for the sign, tugs at his crotch—"

"That crotch-tug, Ed, and every crotch tug tonight is sponsored by Lotrimin anti-fungal jock itch cream. Whether it's itching, burning, cracking, scaling, or chafing, Lotrimin goes extra innings for you."

"Called strike—looked like a slider, D.J."

"And, pardner, each and every slider is brought to us by White Castle."

"Ah, those White Castle sliders, Darrin. Used to wolf down a dozen of them after baseball practice when I was playing for Saint Rita."

"A reminder, folks, that every reminiscence by my partner Ed Farmer is brought to you by Classmates.com."

"Strike two! Right on the corner, Darrin."

"That's another dozen grilled paninis to the Salvation Army, Ed, courtesy of our friends at the Corner Bakery.

"Sale checks the runner, delivers—A-Rod lines it just foul past third base."

"All our fouls today, Farmio, have been sponsored by KFC. KFC: it's split-finger-lickin' good."

"Oh and two, Darrin, but Sale had better be careful—A-Rod still has a powerful stroke."

"Speaking of strokes, Ed, they're a part of life. And any strokes in the stands today are brought to you by Stroke & Distance Nursing Homes. Stroke & Distance: they go the distance for you."

"This could be the ballgame, Darrin. The lanky rookie is ready on the rubber. Here's Sale's pitch. A-Rod hits a towering drive to left! Pierre back—back—And if you're having back problems, Sox fans, see the massage therapists at Heavenly Oasis, they'll have you back to health in no time."

"Uh—what happened to the fly ball, Ed?"

"I'm not sure, D.J., I was reading—but the Sox are walking off the field, and they don't look too happy."

"They should visit the counselors at Shrinkers and Associates, Ed. Shrinkers—they'll keep you feeling Jung. Well, Farmio, that wraps this one up. Join us tomorrow, folks, for the pay-by-play—we'll have the Miller Lite game time and temperature for you at 1:10. So long, everybody."

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Comments

Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

 
Subscribe to this thread:
Showing 1-1 of 1

Add a comment

More by Steve Bogira

Agenda Teaser

Performing Arts
Safe in My Own Head iO Theater
June 16
Galleries & Museums
Eternal Youth Museum of Contemporary Art
March 11

Tabbed Event Search

The Bleader Archive

Popular Stories