A Condensed Guide to the 17 Minute Long Gathering of the Juggalos Preview Video | Bleader

Monday, July 19, 2010

A Condensed Guide to the 17 Minute Long Gathering of the Juggalos Preview Video

Posted By on 07.19.10 at 03:25 PM

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I know a lot of people who read this blog do some from work, and as far as I'm aware most bosses aren't cool with their employees watching the entire 17 minute long (!) YouTube commercial for the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos. "But," you're saying, "I absolutely need to know what to expect from the 11th Annual Gathering of the Juggalos because I already bought my tickets without even checking what sort of entertainment they have planned because I am a diehard juggalo and the Gathering is the highlight of the summer for my husband and myself. We actually met at the 5th Gathering when he visited my 'JUGGALETTE TITS FOR A DOLLAR' booth." Luckily for you some of us have jobs where watching Gathering of the Juggalos videos can be considered billable time.

Highlights and the entire insane commercial after the jump.

Here is what you can expect from this year's Gathering:

- The promise of being surrounded by thousands of best friends, which I didn't even know it was possible to be best friends with thousands of people.

- An almost-guarantee that if you go you'll get laid. Which isn't an empty promise. By all accounts the Gathering is like Hedonism II for grown adults who worship scary rap clowns.

- Naughty by Nature, Spice 1, Meth and Red, Tech N9ne, Warren G, Coolio, Slick Rick, and other black dudes on stage but not in the audience.

- Gallagher, noted homophobe and racist, "smashing watermelons with the sledge-o-matic and shit."

- Ladies Night, hosted by the chick who hosts the Gathering videos who went to high school with Tila Tequila, who is co-headlining Ladies Night because apparently juggalos can't get enough of watching terrible people who are also terrible musicians. Ladies night is strictly for juggalettes and "horny juggalos." Because how could a man appreciate a female artist unless he also wanted to fuck her?

- Shaggy 2 Dope's Old School Super Jam. The "legends" promised to appear include Tone Loc, which is like calling Flock of Seagulls "legends of rock 'n' roll."

- Vanilla Ice being promoted with not a lick of apparent irony.

- A sad clown cowboy scarecrow guy:

boondox.jpg

- "Fresh and exciting shit," including helicopter rides. Genius idea, mixing stupid people, a setting that not only encourages but pretty much demands maximum intoxication, and helicopters.

- Hed PE, which apparently still exists for some reason.

- A rap group of dudes who are trying to be the Mirror World guy from the Mighty Boosh but with bandanas:

ryders.jpg

- A "Hatchet House Bubble Foam Party" with the Dayton Family and naked chicks.

- Todd Bridges, who I guess now wrestles for Juggalo Championship Wrestling. It's worth noting at this point that juggalos seem to have a very complex or perhaps completely nonexistent relationship with irony. Just as the Gathering commercial promotes Vanilla Ice with the same excitement as any of the many horrorcore rappers on the bill, so former child actor and cocaine addict Todd Bridges wrestling in a murder-clown-themed wrestling league is presented as a genuinely exciting and (to use the most frequently repeated phrase in the commercial) "fucking awesome" thing instead of a sad, confusing spectacle.

- Flashlight wrestling starting at 4 AM. This is where the ring is lit only by the flashlights held by the audience. There will be legends of professional wrestling involved, and apparently they'll be drinking. "It's five in the morning," according to whatever juggalo wrestler is talking, "and some of these legends are drunk as hell."

- The whole production wraps up with the pro-sounding announcer guy saying swears and other things that pro announcer guys aren't supposed to say, which is hilarious if you are a juggalo or simply an eleven year old boy. Two of the phrases are kind of accidentally brilliant. "I put that on my nuts, bitch," and "Juggalos are what makes it magic." Because it's true. Juggalos really are what makes it magic.

(via Videogum)

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