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From the pages of Cool Beans! ¥ Number 12, the Sports Issue (3181 Mission #113, San Francisco, CA 94110; $6)

Excerpts from:

Japan loves golf. America loves haikus. Well alright then. The Lesson

By Kyle Statham


new clubs, new culottes

the spikey shoes match the glove

destined for greatness


awkward awkward swing

finally, solid contact

oops, where did that go?


oh novice golfer

your errant shot found my


help me to my car


no! i hit the pro!

are your testicles swollen?

how much are lessons


do not strike the pro

the ball is your sole target

this is lesson one


swing free like the leaves

trees of golf knowledge blossom

is your husband tall?


you swing constricted

next time leave your

panties home

the golf pro sees all


see your swing improve

my hand on your ass is key

golf pro is genius


golf pro speaks wisdom

head down, feet apart, grip firm

now love my putter


no love for your club

not from me, now or ever

do you love my knee?


oh no, searing pain

you've reinjured my scrotum

what of lesson one?


your lessons suck, pro

perhaps golf is not for me

where's the tennis court?

Send zines to the Zine-o-File, Chicago Reader,

11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): zine cover.

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