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A nauseating, stridently phony rom-com from writer-director-star Nia Vardalos, who hit the bigtime with My Big Fat Greek Wedding (2002) and labors to duplicate it here. She plays a Brooklyn flower merchant who's decided that no love relationship should last longer than five dates; John Corbett, who costarred in Greek Wedding, is the dreamy restaurateur who tests her resolve. Everything about the movie seems designed to gratify thumb-sucking single women: the heroine's gruff but lovable boss (Mike Starr), her quip-spewing gay assistants (Stephen Guarino, Amir Arison), her pointedly zany friends at a local deli (Rachel Dratch, Judah Friedlander, Jason Mantzoukas), and especially Corbett's elaborately staged PDA at the climax. But what really nudges this into pukeville is Vardolos's cutesy, self-adoring performance. This is a valentine, all right, but not for you or me. PG-13, 98 min.

Sorry there are no showtimes for I Hate Valentine's Day on Saturday, November 7.

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