Haiku For Eminem 

The Slim LP ruled
It came right out of the blue
You were a cipher

Happy music and
self-loathing and all those words
made for good music

The way you sound black
when you are conversating
but white when you rap?

That is the one thing
people have not acknowledged
this jewel in your crown

It's original
and it obviously has
not hurt your sales, no

You don't get credit
for your answer vocals thing,
the second voice trick

Which Slick Rick did first
but you do such a good job
I cannot complain

Now it's all fear, hate
and allegedly shocking
rhymes full of fake blood

You should have won for
the great Slim Shady LP
not peevish Marshall

But like Russell Crowe
you won for Gladiator
not The Insider

Marshall heard just once
is kind of scary and fun
like a rubber mask

But things like sex and
drugs and rock and roll and joy
are fun more than once

Me myself and I
can't imagine playing it
more than once or twice

RZA wrote a song
about his wife--it was raw
and people complained

You did bad Brando
on that embarrassing song
"Kim," and people clapped

There is no excuse
for your treatment of your wife
aesthetic or no

Why is your version
of "real life" so Hollywood?
Nic Cage, please stand up

Who are these people
who allegedly hate you?
Critics wet their pants

And all the young dudes
buy and memorize your work
the day it comes out

In the New York Times--
the Eminem newsletter
perhaps I should say

They talk about you
daily and on the weekend
maybe once or twice

If you are so tough
why go after Everlast?
He's not so badass

If you are so tough
why don't you snap on black folks?
(Leave Bob Herbert out)

And why 'N Sync, huh?
You think they are equals?
Maybe that's it, yes

Insane Clown Posse?
For this you risk a record?
Please, Marshall, sit down

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration/Damon Locks.

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