Q I'm a happily married woman. I have a great sex life with my husband of many years. The problem: Three years ago, my first love contacted me after 23 years. He was married at the time, although he didn't want to be, and told me that he never stopped loving me. We have been having sexy e-chats ever since. My loving, GGG husband says that I can help my old flame out if I wish. What would you do in this situation? —Chick With 2 Dicks
A What would I do? Besides thank my lucky stars, kiss my loving, GGG husband, and fuck the shit out of the other guy?
A few things, CW2D.
I would think hard about the potential powderkegginess of the situation. This Particular Someone says he's still in love with you, CW2D. That's nice. Are you still in love with TPS? If not, what happens if fucking TPS reignites dormant feelings for TPS that, oh, three years (!) of texting and sexting haven't? Even if you don't feel any more strongly for TPS after fucking him, CW2D, what if TPS decides that you really are the one-and-only love of his life and that he absolutely, positively has to have you all to himself?
TPS isn't some rando, as the kids say. You two share a history, CW2D, and TPS could present—or become—a threat to the stability of your happy, GGG marriage. So before you do TPS, CW2D, you need to think about these issues and discuss them at length with your husband. And you need to be clear with TPS about what it is that you want. If all you're interested in is a friendship, some affection, and a little noncyber sex for old times' sake, TPS needs to know that before you "help him out."
Q I am 22, standing in a bookstore on Castro Street—this is many years ago, just after I dropped out of Bible college and hitchhiked to San Francisco—looking at a gay BDSM magazine for the first time in my life, trying to hide my erection, reading a story about a Master who makes his naked slave carry to his Master's friends a six-pack of beer that's hanging from a rope that's tied to his nuts. To my horror, I shoot a load in my pants without touching myself.
My problem: A bit older now, I'm still very much that boy in the bookstore. The things that turn me on are what my own mind—still brainwashed by Southern Baptists—deems "bad." I tell myself it's OK to embrace my "kinks." I tell myself to stop analyzing why I'm turned on by forced-exhibitionistic-sex-slave fantasies and just accept them. The problem is that I perceive my fantasies as reactionary: they exist by definition in reaction to my upbringing. What is my hard-on but a big "fuck you" to the preachers, prudes, and family members who made me miserable?
What would turn me on if I could get free of the whole fucked-up system? Am I asking questions that shouldn't be asked? Should I just enjoy the fact that I'm turned on by humiliation and seek safe and sane situations to act out my fantasies? —Having a Rough Day
A There are people who don't share your craycrayfundy/Biblestudy life experiences, HARD, who are nevertheless turned on by the exact same things you are. Societies involve all sorts of overt and covert power dynamics, and almost all humans wind up eroticizing those power dynamics to greater or lesser extents. Power, as a gross old man once observed, is the ultimate aphrodisiac.
Even if we could determine that your kinks were shaped by your upbringing, HARD, the shit that turns you on is still going to turn you on. So stop beating yourself up, and go find a nice, kinky guy who takes that responsibility off your hands.
Q Reading your column made me a supporter of the LGBT community. I get your back in formal political debates and drunken bar discussions. However, I must protest Kate Bornstein's comments in a recent column. She said that sex-positive heterosexuals who support the LBGT community—guys like me and FRAUD—are not "straight" men but "queer heterosexual" men.
Sometimes it's hard for me to get people who are not gay to support LGBT equality because they're afraid that someone will call their straightness into question. Don't make it harder. —Liberal and Straight
A Being a big ol' queer myself, LAS, I viewed Kate's suggestion as a compliment. But your point is well taken, everyone gets to choose his or her own label, and you're straight in my book.