Dan Savage sticks it to Rick Santorum 

And the frothy mix has it coming

Mr. Santorum

Mr. Santorum

Gage Skidmore

Q I'm writing to thank you. I remember reading your definition of santorum—"the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex"—when it first appeared. I remember thinking it was a cute way to make fun of a dickhead politician. I never thought it would go this far. But after Iowa, Rick Santorum is in the spotlight again. And so is that frothy mixture. And that's fucking awesome. —Jeff in Wisconsin

A Don't thank me, JIW. Thank Rick Santorum for making his bigotry crystal clear in a 2003 interview with the Associated Press. Santorum equated consensual gay sex with child rape and dog fucking, stated that birth control should be illegal, and argued that states should be able to arrest, prosecute, and imprison people—gay and straight—for private, consensual sex acts.

Thank the Savage Love reader who, after reading that interview, urged me to invite my readers to submit new definitions for Santorum's last name. And thank the Savage Love readers who—in their wisdom—selected "the frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex" from a crowded field of equally repulsive candidates.

I did my part: I counted the ballots, I created a website (spreadingsantorum.com) that eight years later remains up at the top when you google santorum. But again, if it weren't for my readers, JIW, an otherwise distressing news cycle—a ranting, raving, washed-up religious bigot tied for first place in the Iowa caucuses?!?—would not have been leavened by such unintentionally hilarious headlines as "Santorum Surges from Behind," "Santorum Runs Hard," and "Romney Squeezes Out Santorum."

Q Dan Savage is one sick, pathetic excuse for a human being. Truly a sad piece of sh*t. Especially trying to "insert himself"—pun intended—into the GOP presidential race.

—Savage Isn't Completely Kind

A We redefined santorum back in 2003, SICK, long before Santorum was running for president. So it would be more accurate to say that the GOP presidential race has inserted itself into me, not the other way around. And, gosh, I hope there isn't any santorum on the GOP presidential race when it pulls out of me—that would be so embarrassing!

Also embarrassing: Elise Foley's gushing profile of Elizabeth Santorum, Rick's adult daughter, that appeared on the Huffington Post before the Iowa caucuses.

"It is tough, after all, being a young surrogate for a candidate and father clinging to an older worldview," Foley writes. "Her father's stance on same-sex marriage and gay rights, in particular, has caused some friction. . . . Opposed to same-sex marriage herself, Elizabeth said she has gay friends who support her father's candidacy based on his economic and family platforms."

Yeah, it's tough out there for a 'phobe—and it's getting tougher all the time. Rick Santorum was nearly booed off a stage in New Hampshire last week after he insisted that legalizing gay marriage would lead to the legalization of polygamous marriage.

You know what else is tough? Gay widowers losing their homes after the deaths of their spouses because they don't qualify for the same Social Security benefits as all other married couples. Also tough: seeing your spouse deported because the federal government doesn't recognize your marriage.

But, hey, Elizabeth Santorum isn't a bigot—she can't be! She has gay friends! And her gay friends support her dad!

Who are these gay people who support Rick Santorum despite his having equated consensual gay sex to child rape and dog fucking? Who are these gay people who support Rick Santorum despite his opposition to gay marriage and any other legal framework—civil unions, domestic partnerships—that might provide legal protections for same-sex couples? Who are these gay people who support Rick Santorum despite his promises to write antigay bigotry into the U.S. Constitution, forcibly divorce all legally married same-sex couples in the United States, reinstate DADT, and ban adoptions by same-sex couples?

Who are these faggots?

To Ms. Foley and all the other political reporters out there: When someone like Elizabeth Santorum tells you that she has gay friends and her gay friends support her dad based on his "family platforms"—gay people shouldn't be allowed to have families—your subject is making an astonishing claim. Your immediate response should be a demand for the names and phone numbers of these gay friends. Offer to quote these gay friends anonymously, to protect their privacy/stupidity, but tell the homophobe that you will need to verify the existence of her gay friends because you're a journalist, not a stenographer. You'll either catch the homophobe in a very revealing lie, or land a fascinating interview with a crazy-ass faggot.

Q I've been a loyal reader for half my life. Today a friend and I got into a debate about you. My friend says your campaign to redefine santorum flies in the face of your anti-bullying "It Gets Better" campaign. Would you please address this issue? —Google Problems

A First, GP, the campaign is over: santorum has been redefined.

Second, taking the piss out of a middle-aged bigot who has repeatedly and viciously attacked a tiny minority for personal and political gain is not the moral equivalent of beating the shit out of a vulnerable and isolated 13-year-old queer kid in rural Texas who's a member of the tiny minority that this powerful bigot has repeatedly and viciously attacked.

Third, circling back to Elizabeth Santorum's blow job on HuffPo: "[Elizabeth] is aware of her father's so-called 'Google problem,' part of a campaign by columnist Dan Savage . . . 'That just makes me sad. It's disappointing that people can be that mean,' she said."

I'm sorry for making you sad, Elizabeth. You know what's made me sad? Reading about Janice Langbehn and Lisa Pond. The women, together 18 years, were vacationing in Florida in 2007 with three of their four children when Pond suffered an aneurysm. Langbehn and the children were barred from Pond's room when they arrived at the hospital. A social worker informed Langbehn—who was distraught—that she wouldn't be able to see her wife because they were in an "antigay city and state."

By being so mean as to oppose legal protections for gay and lesbian families, Elizabeth, you and your father are trying to make sure that other families headed by same-sex couples will suffer as Langbehn, Pond, and their children were made to suffer.

Q Time to follow through on your threat to redefine rick, Dan. —Matt Via Twitter

A Already done: to rick is to remove something with your tongue—the r from remove, the ick from lick—which makes "rick santorum" the most disgusting two-word sentence in the English language after "vote Republican."

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