Friday, January 20, 2012
Books Fiction Week: The Ernie Bedlam Stories
Posted by Craig Champlin on 01.20.12 at 08:00 AM
Inspiration
Ernie felt like the Jack Nicholson character in the movie The Shining. The empty pages of his composition book mocked him. He needed inspiration. He had a deadline to meet.
He reread Notes of a Dirty Old Man by Charles Bukowski. This left him thirsty and lusting for pasty blonde bar floozies. He reread Catcher in the Rye, which inspired him to search furiously through his closet for his old hunting hat. He reread Hamlet. This merely couched him in deep melancholy and provoked bad thoughts about his deceased mother.
He reread Gone With the Wind, which frankly left him not giving a damn about even writing the great American novel. He reread Helter Skelter and ended up humming endless Beatle songs and carving crucifixes on the foreheads of his daughter’s Barbie dolls.
He reread Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea which inspired him to gorge himself on fish-and-chips and go to the video store and rent Jaws I and Jaws II. He reread Moby Dick. This convinced him, “Why look for the whale, when the whale is his own reflection in the mirror?” He reread Crime and Punishment. This led Ernie to walk aimlessly around the apartment with a broomstick draped across his shoulders, wearing only a loincloth.
He reread Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, and spent the entire day trying to screw in a lightbulb. He reread Vincent Van Gogh’s biography, Lust for Life, which prompted him to cut off the ears of his daughter’s Beanie Babies and play outside with an Etch-a-Sketch in a driving snowstorm.
He reread Ray Bradbury’s Dandelion Wine and got violently ill after drinking an entire bottle of cooking sherry. He read Shirley MacLaine’s biography, which left him convinced he’d authored Beowulf in a past life. Exhausted, he pretended to read James Joyce’s Ulysses, and passed out on the couch in a stream of unconsciousness.
PS, I didn’t underline the book titles because my typing skills suck and my wife doesn’t like me a whole lot today. English majors please forgive me.
PPS The wife has now fixed the problem. Still not sure I like him much today. —LC
Comments (14)
Showing 1-14 of 14
"What I’d really like is to run 'The Ernie Bedlam Stories' weekly." I think that this would be a good idea.
like
dislike
I would like to thank the Reader and Bleader for running my stories, I have been thrilled by your presentation of "THE Ernie Bedlam Stories." I would like to thank Ryan Duggan for the great illustrations. I thank the readers for your kind and thoughtful comments. Ernie is dear to my heart and fun to write I hope to be writing more for you. It has been a Gas!!! Craig Champlin
Sign him up ! We have a weekly winner here people. MORE MORE MORE
MUST READ MORE! Very intreiging, can't wait to see what happens next with Ernie! I hope this isn't the last one.. either way I'm going to try and find the stories leading up to this one. Good job Craig!
Now I'm sad. No more morning Ernie fix on Bleader. Agree with Addict - we want MORE. And this Inspiration piece has me rolling on the floor. It's a college Lit course in one page!
I've read each of the novels, but sadly never had anything close to those great reactions. I hope to see more Ernie in the near future. It makes snowy days better...
"He reread Hemingway’s Old Man and the Sea which inspired him to gorge himself on fish-and-chips and go to the video store and rent Jaws I and Jaws II. He reread Moby Dick. This convinced him, 'Why look for the whale, when the whale is his own reflection in the mirror?'"
- Craig Champlin
Priceless!
Thank you very much, Craig Champlin and THE CHICAGO READER, for this entertaining Fiction Week with "The Ernie Bedlam Stories!" I look forward to reading more tales of wit (and wisdom).
Cheers!
WE the people want more ERNIE!!!! Kuddos to the Reader for bringing Ernie to us and kuddos to Craig for his engaging writing. I truly hope to be reading much more about Ernie in the days and weeks to come.
Dad, I was not allowed to Barbies! Your feminist wife made sure of tht. She thought they would give me bad self-esteem..... Thankfully you and brother are there to make up for my lack of Barbies! I kid I kid. Don't tell anyone, but I'm a little proud of you.... Backhanded compliment? I wondered where I learned that skill.
More Ernie Bedlam stories there must be, or disappointed next week will be Yoda... yes, yes.
I read this Ernie Bedlam story and felt a strong desire to watch a cockroach wave his little buggy legs in the air.
