Thursday, January 19, 2012
Books Fiction Week: The Ernie Bedlam Stories
Posted by Craig Champlin on 01.19.12 at 08:00 AM
It was the first day of Gettysburg
The rebel army was looking for shoes. The Union cavalry was there to prevent them from getting their Buster Browns. The Yanks were led by that Sam guy who played the lifeguard and sold everything on TV. Ernie held a deep affection for history. The rebel army was led by Martin Sheen. Charlie’s dad. The Sam guy, the fella with the giant mustache, wanted to hold the high ground. Ernie understood. He liked to be high too, perhaps because he was short. He had married a woman who was taller than him. She was also smarter than Ernie. She sang better, was better employed, liked to cook, and was good-looking to boot. Frankly, they didn’t have much in common. She was entrenched in reality; Ernie was entrenched in quicksand, constantly seeking the higher ground. That Sam guy was probably a better choice for a husband but was a hundred years too old and off fighting Martin Sheen in Pennsylvania. Sometimes Ernie was a damn visionary. If Martin Sheen told him to cross a big field and attack 20,000 guys playing with guns and canons three days before July 4th; Ernie wouldn’t be attending that picnic. He’d just worry about shoes later on.
Ernie was once in a bar. A guy sitting next to him was lamenting about how the South ever lost the war. Ernie agreed and said you’d think the Cubs played in Atlanta or something. The guy looked at Ernie and said that’s profound. He ordered another beer and moved to the end of the bar and sat down next to a deaf mute.
It was July first and the Cubs were playing the Sox at Wrigley Field. Ernie was wondering if that Sam guy was going to sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” He also wondered if the south-siders wore butternut boxers underneath their uniforms. Ernie saved up most of his wondering for important matters. If the Cubs had won the World Series before the Sox it could have been an entirely a different world. But that thought could wait until tomorrow. Today it was obvious Ernie was on a higher plane. Ernie’s wife just hoped it landed soon.
Read the rest of Craig Champlin's "The Ernie Bedlam Stories" here.
Comments (18)
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Bravo! Thanks for writing (Mr. Champlain) and running the series (Chicago Reader). Now, how long until the next installment? Great stuff.
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definitely my favorite so far. love the language play. keep em' coming!
Who Knew Ernie was an historian? Deep thoughts, and a great understanding of, well, the American psyche. We are ALL ERNIE! More, please.
Nicely woven tales of everyman with a skewed attitude....Really enjoyable reads.
More, please.....Keep them coming.
These are great! I'd love to see Craig's work develop into a weekly for your publication.
I agree with 'readerlover'...a weekly piece would be another reason to pick up a copy of The Reader!!
I love Ernie! Craig is an extremely entertaining writer. More Ernie, please!
I think this should be a permanent weekly feature in the Reader! Ernie Bedlam is better than reality TV.
Love the Ernie Bedlam stories. Thanks for letting us peak inside of your mind for a bit! Keep them coming!
Terrific stories Craig! Love Ernie's fun & honest way of looking at life! Keep the creative juices flowing.
"The Sam guy, the fella with the giant mustache, wanted to hold the high ground. Ernie understood. He liked to be high too, perhaps because he was short."
-Craig Champlin
The keen wit never ceases to amaze me.
Cheers!
