Monday, January 16, 2012
Books Fiction Week: The Ernie Bedlam Stories
Posted by Craig Champlin on 01.16.12 at 08:00 AM
Primal Ernie
Ernie lay on the couch feeling adventurous. He was flipping through the pages of National Geographic, looking for pictures of naked women. It was the middle of the night and his family was asleep.
Outside a howling wind shook the windowpanes. Ernie was peaceful. He popped a can of beer and hoped he wouldn’t pass out before the early morning exercise shows came on. His priorities were in order: beer, wife, children, and education—both mental and physical.
He could find only a picture of a Tibetan monk with his shirt off in the National Geographic, and wondered if it was possible to get the new Playboy out from under the bed without waking his wife. An executive decision. He popped another beer.
In the midst of this reverie, out of the corner of his eye, he saw something scurry across the far wall of the living room. Ever since he peed in his pants when Alan Arkin jumped out at Audrey Hepburn in Wait Until Dark, Ernie didn’t like to be scared. He really didn’t believe that alligators came through toilets and ate people, but the possibility lingered in his imagination.
He arose from the couch and found the cat, got another beer, and placed the cat in front of the bookcase. The cat regarded Ernie blankly and strode off. Ernie mumbled out loud, “This wouldn’t happen in the jungle where there’s no cat chow.” Ernie got up, found the cat again, got another beer, and once more put the cat down in front of the bookcase. The cat looked at Ernie like he was a wall hanging and strutted out of the room.
“Why have a cat?” thought Ernie. Cats don’t bark at monsters, cats don’t cook, clean, raise kids, do the laundry, pay bills, have gainful employment. A wife yes, a cat no.
The mouse scurried out from under the bookcase and darted under the entertainment console. Ernie was getting pissed. The mouse had already grown six inches. Ernie found the cat, got another beer, and set the cat in front of the TV. The cat looked at Ernie like he was a Scientologist or something. He meowed, “Piss off!” and walked away.
Ernie was getting angrier by the moment. This wasn’t right. He got up, found the cat again, got another beer, and plopped down on the floor next to the cat in front of the TV. He whispered in the cat’s ear, “Cat, mouse, cat, mouse . . .” The cat looked at Ernie and said, “Oh, please!”
Ernie got up, stumbled into the kitchen, got another beer, and swore under his breath. He went to the bathroom, read two sentences of Crime and Punishment, relieved himself and retired to the living room. He was cynically perusing the National Geographic, when the mouse poked its head out from under the TV.
This time the mouse didn’t bother to scurry, but sauntered across the floor like he owned the place. Ernie had had enough. He chucked the National Geographic across the room. It was a direct hit and the mouse fell dead in its tracks.
Ernie fell asleep at sunrise just as Billy Blanks and his spandex-clad bevy of believers appeared on the TV screen. Ernie snored loudly and dreamed of bigger game. The cat walked past the dead mouse, climbed on the couch next to Ernie, fell asleep, and dreamed of birds.
Comments (30)
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This is droll funny stuff! Kind of like popcorn - I want more! Can't wait til tomorrow...
like
dislikeFinally! Ernie Bedlam is unleashed upon the world at large! Way to go!! No mouse flavored cat food- that should tell ya something?
The public exhibition of Ernie's life is here at last. It's gonna be a great ride Li
nda In North Carolina
I have an oddly similar cat. I say get hunting and all it wants to do is stretch. Classic story! Can't wait to read more...
Very funny story. Completely captures the frustration of having a cat who has a mind of its own!
"He chucked the National Geographic across the room. It was a direct hit and the mouse fell dead in its tracks".
Funny visual. lol
It's hard to write about the mundane. Ernie has seemed to capture it with the mouse and cat comical relief.
this is a joy.dive in live read the wisdfom and love of Ernie! he is you he is me he isnt afraid to be - i posted a much longer rant/rhapsody of the angel/dirtbag who will make you pee in yer pants laughing and call yer "friends" he's the best and i'm honorewd and glad to call him unc <3 read this shit!
Great stuff! Can't wait to read more! Thanks for bringing Ernie back to life!
Life is different at the Bedlum hut. Keep em' cominig please ...
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
That was funny
Nice! A modern Archie with good aim - looking forward to more Ernie...
I would personally like to thank The Reader for running the Ernie Bedlam Stories. I hope every one enjoys and visits Ernie's world this week. Thank you Craig Champlin
Real life unveiled. Ernie Bedlam, a true Chicagoan. Great stuff, Craig!
More Ernie stories!!!! More damn Ernie stories!!! More Damn Ernie stories for christ's sake!!!!
THANKFULLY THERE IS A WORLD OUT THERE THAT TAKES YOU TO A PLACE DIFFERENT THAN THE DAILY CRAP..................FUN STUFF. CANT WAIT FOR MORE! WELL DONE....................DAVID
