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Friday, October 22, 2010

The Best Not-Candidates for Mayor

Posted By on 10.22.10 at 11:32 AM

Todd Stroger achieved a perfect 10 as Cook County executive. Hed probably do even better as mayor.
  • Lauri Apple
  • Todd Stroger achieved a "perfect" ten percent approval rating as Cook County executive. He'd probably do even better as mayor.
With so many people talking about the dozen confirmed candidates for Chicago mayor, and the five others who are circulating petitions to run, a critical issue has gotten overlooked: Who's not running. Here's a list of my favorite top 16 not-candidates.

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich: He's got both congressional and state executive experience, and comes with a probable term limit.

Blago-brother Rob Blagojevich: An alternative to Rod, Rob Blago isn't facing charges anymore, and seems a bit more subtle than his bro.

Delaware Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell: She'll still need a job after November 2.

Any of these bald sports guys: "As we've learned over time, professional athletes without hair have done alright in Chicago," writes Scott Kleinberg in RedEye. Sounds good!

Cook County board president Todd Stroger: Because he did such a good job running the county.

Alderwoman and Cook County Board president candidate Toni Preckwinkle: The county includes the city, so why not simplify things?

Outgoing Tribune Company CEO Randy Michaels: He'd make the city more fun, non-linear, and creative.

Actress and humanitarian Angelina Jolie: She could adopt those of us who have student loans and other debts and take us on cool trips.

New York gubernatorial candidate Jimmy McMillan: Rent is too damn high in Chicago, too.

Former alderwoman Dorothy Tillman: Everyone misses her, right?

Lawyer, businessman, and brother of Mayor Daley, William M. Daley: For a new direction!

Former Cicero town president and ex-con Betty Loren-Maltese: Former Washington, D.C. mayor Marion Barry went to prison, came out, and got reelected to public office, and he's done O.K., generally speaking.

Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington: She's got campaign experience and would probably stop paying city employees, which would help resolve budget shortfalls.

Pop singer Lady Gaga: She'd have to go by Lady Chicaga, though.

"Hide your wife!" Internet celebrity Antoine Dodson: He grew up in Chicago and was going to move back here with his sister and niece until THE VIDEO made him a star. Good on women's issues.

Ghost of Mary Todd Lincoln: Because Ghost of Abraham Lincoln would have been too obvious.

Who are your favorite mayoral not-candidates? List them in the comments section.

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