Monday, June 21, 2010
Bicycling / Chicagoland / Onstage / LGBT / Media / Politics / Sports / News / Performing Arts / Arts / Cycling / Clout City Chicago, You Haven't Been Acting Very “World-Class" Lately
Posted by Lauri Apple on 06.21.10 at 12:12 PM
Hey Chitown,
I don’t mean to get all interventionist on you here, but what the hell is going on with you and your Zeitgeist these days? You've been acting pretty boorish lately — is something wrong? Is it Olympics-related? Whatever the case, maybe it’s time to seek professional help.
Oh, and this is not about your potholes and trash pick-up problems, either. I'm talking about your recent behavior and etiquette issues. Specifically, the following incidents:
— The Chrissy the Sissy Ponger poster. When people who are not time travelers from the 1950s complained that this very original joke-picture failed to be funny, its creators issued an “apology” telling everyone to lighten up.
— Two drunk drivers got only ten days in the pokey for hitting bicyclists for thrills. This would be expected in one of those places where the townspeople call cyclists "homo hippies" and somesuch (Arizona), but here?
— Speaking of homos, this traffic court lawyer called people racial, sexist, and homophobic names for SEVEN YEARS before facing sanctions.
— A play at the Gorilla Tango Theatre called Home MD gets this review from Reader A&E editor Tony Adler: “What's funnier than a bunch of zombies? A sexy female necrophiliac doctor who gets all hot and loses most of her clothes at the thought of fucking them, of course. And what tops Stupid Bitch Disease for hilarity? That's just so obvious: Stupid Cunt Disease.” Tony concludes by asking why the “women in the cast put up with this shit?” It is a good question!
— After the Blackhawks victory, the Twitternet was flooded with reports of Girlz Gone Wild—gals lifting their tops all because “the boys brought it home.” You didn’t even get free beads, ladies!
— A ChicagoNow blogger and sports talk radio dude named “Rock Mamola" called out ESPN reporter Erin Andrews for being a “fraud” and “opportunist” because she didn’t start wearing a burqa and/or kill herself after being videotaped naked by a weirdo. “Rock” got the smackdown from commenters, but why are people writing like this in 21st-century post-misogynist America?
— Mayor Daley’s Buttgate Spectacular.
Of course, the above items are isolated incidents. But as anyone who has ever read the New York Times knows, just a few incidents (usually three) can add up to a bona fide trend. It's scientific.
Listen up Chicago, here's what you gotta do: Stop putting the "ass" in "world-class." Take the "ass" out, immediately, or else TRUCK NUTZ FUTURE. Then you have to put the "ass" back in, plus the letters "cl" before "ass," to make "class" again. See, it's like doing the hokey-pokey, but with words — when you "turn yourself around" everything is suddenly better. Finally, put "world-" before "class."
Or I don't know, who cares about the rest of the world, let's just be CLASS.
Until you address these problems, there will be no pie for you after dinner.
Your carpetbagger friend,
Lauri
Comments (5)
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There's no mystery: It's a big city and it's got its share of ass-holes. If you want to itemize Chicago shitheads, you'll never have a problem filling your list.
But it's also true that you can find no shortages of World Class Chicago™ if you just keep your eyes open, e.g. just last week Jon Langford & Co. hosted a fundraiser to abolish the death penalty in Illinois. And the good folks at Chicago's own Bloodshot Records helped fill the kitty with top-notch swag to auction and raffle.
An isolated incident? Nope. Just more good Chicagoans doin' good in Chicago without any hype, bullshit or fanfare.
But why am I apologizing for our wicked, crooked and brutal city, when no one could add to its greatest defense:
Come and show me another city with lifted head singing
so proud to be alive and coarse and strong and cunning.
Flinging magnetic curses amid the toil of piling job on
job, here is a tall bold slugger set vivid against the
little soft cities;
Fierce as a dog with tongue lapping for action, cunning
as a savage pitted against the wilderness,
Bareheaded,
Shoveling,
Wrecking,
Planning,
Building, breaking, rebuilding,
Under the smoke, dust all over his mouth, laughing with
white teeth,
Under the terrible burden of destiny laughing as a young
man laughs,
Laughing even as an ignorant fighter laughs who has
never lost a battle,
Bragging and laughing that under his wrist is the pulse.
and under his ribs the heart of the people,
Laughing!
Laughing the stormy, husky, brawling laughter of
Youth, half-naked, sweating, proud to be Hog
Butcher, Tool Maker, Stacker of Wheat, Player with
Railroads and Freight Handler to the Nation.
Amen and Amen.
--MrJM
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On the other hand, L.A. behaved much worse than Chicago to celebrate the Lakers' having won their first title in a year than Chicago did when the Blackhawks won their first in almost 50.
