Monday, March 22, 2010
Film Remote Fatherhood
Posted by Cliff Doerksen on 03.22.10 at 04:42 PM
I took my 6-year-old daughter to a birthday party yesterday, and fell into conversation with another middle-aged dad (of a 5-year-old girl) about strategies of paternal self-defense in relation to our children’s DVD diets. This is a very important subject to any man who hopes to negotiate fatherhood with his sanity intact, for reasons I’ll explain. Anyway, it took us about five minutes to discover that our respective sprogs shared an abiding fascination with Stanley Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, and that both had even given it the same alternate title : “The Space Movie.”
Chuck, the guy I was talking to, told me he’d had equally great results with Dr. Strangelove. I told him that just wasn’t going to work for me, because my daughter has zero patience for anything in black-and-white (on the grounds that it “looks too old”), but that I’d gotten a solid 6 weeks of protection from O Brother, Where Art Thou? which, a couple of mild cuss words aside, makes for topnotch, high-repetition kiddie fare, and that I’d found both Hello, Dolly! and Singin’ in the Rain to be both worth their weight in unobtanium.
Before I take this any further, I want to make clear that I’m not indulging myself in any Neal Pollack-style Alternadad bullshit here, nor crowing about how unbelievably brilliant my progeny is (although she is, of course, unbelievably brilliant). I’m talking about issues of stark survival, from a viewpoint of narrowest self-interest.
Under enhanced interrogation, I might even admit that the scene in 2001 where the one ape clubs the other to death might be construed as just a tad violent for a 4-year-old, which I think is how old my daughter was when I first showed her “The Space Movie.” But I’d also have an array of counterarguments at the ready.
First, she’d already been digging on Hellboy for a year by that age.
Second, the psychological impact of that one fatal beating is surely evened out by the ensuing, math score-enhancing sequence of the space shuttle docking with the space station to the uplifting strains of The Blue Danube.
Third, and most important, the deleterious effects of a single monkey murder (even if witnessed a few hundred times) is nothing compared to the potential negative impact of being raised by a father suffering from high-dose exposures to the likes of Alvin & the Chipmunks: The Squeaquel, Milo & Otis, Baby Geniuses and all the rest of the awful crap that it is my solemn duty to protect her from her interest in/affection for.
Mind you, the problem isn’t just shrill, cynical Hollywood Twinkie-filling like the aforementioned. Some of the most maddening programming aimed at kids today is actually to be found on nominally instructive and improving cable venues like Nick Jr and PBS Kids Sprout. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you are probably unfamiliar with the vocal stylings of Moose A. Moose and Laurie Berkner, the hushed, pious moralizing of animated series like Arthur and and Hey, Franklin, or the crazy-making Dadaist repetitions of Dora the Explorer and Blue’s Clues.
My point is, young-fathers-to be, it’s a fucking jungle out there, and once Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed comes into your house, it’s going to be about as easy as bedbugs to get rid of. And unless you and your missus can afford to hire a full-time, Montessori-trained nanny/laundress/cook/masseuse, you will inevitably and routinely find yourself backsliding into that most unforgivable of parental sins, using the television as a babysitter.
But there’s no reason to pay for that sin here in this lifetime.
Comments (21)
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Love these movie ideas! I have a 6 yo girl who I'm getting into musicals (which I love), but hadn't thought of these other classics. It is scary what is deemed ok on cartoon network just because it's animation. If live humans were doing some of that stuff, it'd be rated R or at least PG-13 (assuming those are actually different....).
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My daughter (Age 4) loves the horrid Sy-Fy movie Deadly Waters, aka Krakken. (very long story about why I'd watch that horrid, horrid movie) I just explained to her that the people are just playing pretend and for about a week she was requesting it constantly. I can't bear to watch the beheading and she just breezes right through it. Hasn't begun decapitating dolls (she already did that at age 2 1/2) nor does she have any other signs of maladjustment from the fare of movie and TV she watches with us.
I tried getting her to watch Reign of Fire because she loves dragons, but the movie actually bored her. Heh.
As for TV fare, I've stayed away from anything any Nick shows since they took Invader Zim off the air. My daughter loves the Disney and Cartoon Network stuff. She adores Garfield, which is usually fluff but occassionally includes something clever and true to the comic. I do, in fact, tell her no any time she requests Spongebob Squarepants (a friend of mine gave her a huge plush doll of him otherwise she might not know his existence...except for maybe her friends at pre-k).
The things that I will happily watch with my daughter: Mickey Mouse Club House (fantazing all the while about fundies going nuts of Mickey teaching children summoning spells), Phineus and Ferb (which is brilliant, clever, full of those moments just for the adults to catch onto something, and full of catchy tunes), 6Teen (which is actually really cute and clever), Family Guy, occassionally the Simpsons, and Johnny Test (which is usualy just ridiculous and cute, but promotes science and usually doesn't sap you with moralizing).
I'd add Thomas the Tank Engine to the "pious moralizing" list. (Let's all be *really useful engines* so that Sir Topham Hat is proud of us? Gawd.) I was in such a froth about it, I worked it into a grad school paper on ideology. And I heard that a Canadian academic took Thomas to task for its crappy female characters.
We did a lot better with older stuff, like the original Winnie the Pooh cartoons, and Cinderella, and Kipper, and the original episodes of Scooby Doo. Now we're losing the battle to video games. But that's another story.
'Milo and Otis' is crap? Seriously? That is one of sweetest, gentlest kids movie in decades. Pre-cgi, with Dudley Moore narrating? Wow.
My 3-year-old daughter loves the Robot Spaceship Movie (Star Wars Ep. 4) and has been infatuated with the Muppet Show and Dick Van Dyke movies for well over a year now.
I have to protest your "Scooby Doo" aspersions. It may be stupid, the animation may be craptastic, the gender stereotypes may be egregious, but it's one of the best 'toon examples of good, skeptical, critical thinking out there. It shows the kids that there is ALWAYS a man behind the curtain and a rational (usually criminal) reason for so-called paranormal events.
Otherwise, hats off to you, Sir.
Not to place too much credit on the Nick Jr however the Backyardagains is a great show with some of the best music I've heard anywhere. Where else can you see a great story about cowboys being accompanied by a Klesmer band? Every episode is musically complex and fun to watch. That being said I LOVE the idea of 2001. Concert films my son loves. Especially Peter Gabriel's Growing Up tour. Very visual and danceable.
I loved reading your article and have already tweeted/fb'd it to all my friends (you can thank Roger Ebert for the initial dissemination into my twitiverse).
My 5 year-old daughter has an ever-growing DVD collection and portable player that is her equivalent of a security blanket. We keep her collection well-stocked with Pixar, Anime (Studio Gibli rules), everything Star Wars, and most of the classic Disney canon... I also have no problem with her enjoying the more fantastical faire in the comic-to-movie realm... Your mention of Hellboy warmed my heart (she refers to it as "Big Guy" or "Red" and usually brandishes her fist Hellboy-style in the delivery of such).
I will admit that we've given into the Saturday morning TV monster, but our rule is that the channel stay on PBS Kids for such. I have no problem with Super Why, Curious George and Babar (it does freak me out a bit, but that's a latent childhood issue of my own... hehe). As long as it's providing good lessons, educational material or a moral that transcends selling a product, I'm all for it.
And if it means that someday she'll be the next Katherine Bigelow because of her AV geek-dad's efforts, then all the better.
Sorry, but it's already finished. You've clearly f'ed up when your girl turns down black-and-white because it 'looks too old'. And Hellboy? Please.
By the way, Scooby-Doo 2 doesn't just "come into your house". It's brought in. By a parent. Try that one out.
Hey, I first saw Kubrick's 2001 at the age of 6 too. I was fascinated and impressed by it, but didn't really like it that much, which is exactly how I feel about that movie today. Nevertheless, it was a very special experience, and seeing a monkey being killed didn't harm me in any way. In fact, I'd like to think that it made me more curious about the wonders of space and miracles of technology, even though it's hard to say how much exactly did it influence me in reality.
Yes! The Wonder Twins could do a step-for-step copy of "Moses Supposes" when they were 4. So great to find other Dads who've found the light.
I'm 25 now, but when I was real little I always bitched about b&w movies. My dad eventually got sick of it and had me watch High Noon, which I looooved. And Casablanca, which I also adored. We even watched Kurasawa's High & Low and I thought it was so fantastic! And I was about 7 at this point.
Then when I told him I wanted to watch the Freddy Kreuger movies he told me "no, not until you've seen where horror came from." So we watched a lot of b&w Hitchcock and I got reaaaally into Hitchcock. So, no First & Last, it's not too late, he hasn't already f'ed up. It's not too hard to reverse. I'm a classic film buff now. Show your daughter Bringing Up Baby! Kids love screwball comedies, hah. The Lady Eve is a good one, too.
Schickie mentioned concert videos- TOTALLY! I watched so many Peter Gabriel concert vids when I was a kid! I also loved all of his music videos. Laurie Anderson, too.
My brother was really into 2001 when he was a kid. He also really liked Chariots of Fire and My Man Godfrey.
It's funny, you know. My mom was weird about letting me watch certain things, but once my parents divorced my dad just let me watch whatever I wanted so long as he didn't think it was a piece of crap. I watched Twin Peaks, Homicide: Life on the Street, The Shining, Lolita, RoboCop, Pulp Fiction, George Carlin stand-up... All that sex and violence and drug usage and swearing and what's happened to me? Not a whole lot. Lolita didn't turn me into a slut. RoboCop didn't leave me totally desensitized to violence. Sure I smoke pot now and then but I'm not a junkie or anything...
anyway I'll stop now. ;)
Oh yeah Singin' in the Rain is still one of my all-time favorites! I can STILL perform the entire "All I Do Is Dream Of You" dance!
This morning, my just-turned-7-year-old daughter asked me if we could watch "Duck Soup" this Friday (movie night). I was so proud!
“Sorry, but it's already finished. You've clearly f'ed up when your girl turns down black-and-white because it 'looks too old'.”
Was I not clear on the point, F&L? This isn’t about her, it’s about me.
“And Hellboy? Please.”
I didn’t really get it either until about the 57th repetition.
“By the way, Scooby-Doo 2 doesn't just "come into your house". It's brought in. By a parent. Try that one out.”
I’m going to be charitable here and assume that your opinion is rooted in a low sperm count rather than frontal lobe damage. Christmas and birthdays undermine even the strictest boarder controls.
“Your mention of Hellboy warmed my heart (she refers to it as "Big Guy" or "Red" and usually brandishes her fist Hellboy-style in the delivery of such).”
Hellboy is also didactically useful: The scene where he yells “Red means stop!” before punching that SUV into the sky was my keystone for teaching the traffic-signal color code.
“(Studio Ghibli rules)”
I can do Ghibli. And as a middle-class groundswell phenomenon, it’s fascinating: I think we may be inadvertently spawning a generation of animists.
“Backyardagains”
Backyardigans are not the worst, but I find they can very easily become vectors for earworm.
“I have to protest your ‘Scooby Doo’ aspersions. It may be stupid, the animation may be craptastic, the gender stereotypes may be egregious, but it's one of the best 'toon examples of good, skeptical, critical thinking out there.”
Hmm. I’d argue that the James Randi-type agenda is outweighed by the unwholesome model of addiction and coercive control implicit in that whole “Scooby treats”racket.
“'Milo and Otis' is crap? Seriously? That is one of sweetest, gentlest kids movie in decades. Pre-cgi, with Dudley Moore narrating? Wow.”
Whatever you do, don’t watch it while thinking about what the animals must been put through to yield all that charming footage. I swear I’d rather be a chicken in a Sam Peckinpah’s “Pat Garret and Billy the Kid” than a dog or cat on that set.
“I'd add Thomas the Tank Engine to the ‘pious moralizing’ list.”
Granted, but at least that show hews to a consistent ethos of submission and self-sacrifice. “Wow Wow Wubbzy,” on the other hand, is all over the goddam map, message-wise. Half of the time it’s about internalizing social norms, the other half is all “It doesn’t have to be by the book.” I’m like, make up your mind.
“My daughter (Age 4) loves the horrid Sy-Fy movie Deadly Waters, aka Krakken”
Gonna program the DVR for that right now, thanks for the tip.
Yellow Submarine, man. It never fails. Also Spirited Away, with its valuable reminder that all parents are selfish hogs, and Bringing Up Baby (despite being what my children called a "gray movie").
Worst kids show ever? Ever?* Dragon Tales. Every single thing about it is horrible. Although the temptation to tip Franklin's entire family up on their backs and leave them is truly overwhelming.
*Except for "The New Zoo Revue," which I may be the only person alive who remembers.
"Worst kids show ever? Ever?* Dragon Tales. Every single thing about it is horrible."
Yes: God put it on earth to make Veggie Tales look all right. Though I've always liked the latter's implicit equation of religion and a vegetative state.
You must remember for the first five or so years of your child's life you are the teacher. They will learn everything from you and the choices you make for them. Your first mistake regarding film is telling your daughter that Dr. Strangelove is in B&W because it's "old." I have a three year old daughter who asked me where the color was when I was watching Casablanca one night. I told her they didn't use color. I told her it was like drawing with a pen or pencil instead of markers and she said "OK." Now she doesn't mind whether or not a movie is in color. Also, you should try starting on something a little less adult than "Strangelove." A lot of the humor comes from the dialogue which most four and five year olds aren't going to understand. Try something like "A Hard Day's Night" something with a fun spirit, lots of great music and easily accessible to anyone of any age. When I put Hard Day's Night on, my daughter calls it "The Beatles Movie," she get excited and begins dancing around the room and even requests their music in the car. She's sung along to "Hey Jude" in the car before she even turned two.
As far as television goes, there are very few shows that are really suitable as "babysitters," the best of which is "Yo Gabba Gabba." Not only is it the least annoying of every kids show on TV, it actually teaches children through the use of brilliant (yeah, I said it) and catchy songs. I always had a hard time getting my daughter to eat certain foods, mainly vegetables of course, but with the "Party in My Tummy" song my daughter now loves carrots, green beans as well as different fruits she didn't care for beforehand. "Try It, You'll Like It" is also an invaluable song when raising a child. Easily the best kids show since Pee Wee's Playhouse. There's a reason why so many celebrities and big name music acts (The Roots and The Shins) make appearances on the show. It's not just another job, they know they're doing something that will benefit kids without alienating adults.
