Wednesday, March 25, 2009

One hundred percent pure class

Posted By on 03.25.09 at 07:04 PM

For the past few years hard-rock radio has been an endless parade of interchangeable postgrunge bands that either churn out party-time anthems filled to the brim with intensely concentrated misogyny or wallow in power ballads about chicks who've done them wrong. But until now the only ways for fans to really get in on all that free-floating woman hating have been to (a) become a groupie, so the band can casually exploit and dispose of you, or (b) have a girlfriend you don't mind being a groupie for the band. That's obviously not enough options.

Just in time for March Madness--and just a little too late for Valentine's Day--a bunch of terrible bands are conducting a terrible contest wherein some assholes from Saliva, Burn Halo, Framing Hanley, and Theory of a Deadman will judge a group of women based on their photographs and short essays they've written about why each one thinks she's the "dirtiest, craziest, sexiest girl around."

Once the judges have determined who's in the initial pool of 64, fans will narrow the field down, bracket-style, via online voting until they've settled on the top two. Then the bands will step back in to pick the "winner," which the awful press release for this piece of ugliness refers to as "the Queen of Unclean." I think the "Unclean" part refers to how women are all whores, but I may not have picked up on some other nuance here.

Men, who are presumably not considered fuckable by the judges, are encouraged to submit pics and profiles of their girlfriends. I imagine the prize--a free trip for two to Vegas--would pale in comparison to being able to brag to your buddies that some dude in a band that's riding the fumes of a novelty hard-rock cover of a rap song thinks your girlfriend is the dirtiest slut in the country. It's a pride thing.

Anyhow, the whole shebang's called the Dirty Tourney--that hideous near rhyme is the dollop of extra sadness to top it all off. I'm not going to link to the site because you don't want to go there.

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